Linger
by bos3305
Summary: "Just know that when it happens…when the day does come…I'll be here." The promise lingered in the piercing air. JJ wrestling PTSD
1. Linger

_This is my first attempt at fanfiction. Please send comments and feedback. Thanks!_

* * *

The sound of sirens could be heard in the distance. JJ swallowed hard, trying her best to swallow down the unsurmountable emotions that she hadn't even begun to process. She swallowed again and took a short, shaky breath. "I know that you know...what's...going to happen," her brow furrowed and her voice cracked. "A-a person can't go through something like this an-and not..." her dull, blue eyes looked up and furiously blinked back tears before peering back into empathetic brown eyes. "I know," the blonde whispered. "But right now, will you please...just lie to me," JJ pleaded as her body started to tremble.

Emily stood still. Her breathing increased as her mind flashed back to her own recovery following captivity and torture at the hands of Doyle; the psychosomatic itch momentarily reared itself as she reflexively went to place her hand on her chest—above the clover. "Em..." The fractured voice brought the brunette out of her reverie and back into the present—back onto the rooftop where her best friend narrowly evaded death.

Emily slowly stepped forward, closing the distance between the two of them. "JJ..." Her own voice slightly cracked as she wrapped her arms around the shaking frame and pulled the blonde into an all-encompassing hug.

"Tell me it's over," JJ murmured, her face buried in the brunette's leather jacket.

The blonde felt a light pressure as Emily placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. The brunette paused, not exactly knowing how to respond to the request. It wasn't...over. Although Askari and Hastings were dead, it was just the beginning. A breakdown was...inevitable. Like JJ had said, a person can't experience something like this and not breakdown. When least expected, something or someone would undoubtedly trigger a flashback. Sooner or later, JJ would unwillingly revisit the unspeakable acts of terror that she experienced in her mind's eye. Emily knew this. She knew first-hand how it felt to wake up in genuine terror, although the source of the earthshattering fear was buried six feet under.

"JJ..." The brunette hesitated. She recognized the mask—the one the blonde was putting on as she was released from the embrace. "What you went through...I know that you're going to say you're fine," Emily bit her lip and took a shaky breath. "I know you'll...put on a front and say you're okay—just to ease everyone around you because they've already sacrificed too much." JJ's body stiffened. "I know you'll do this...because I see it now," the blonde jutted her jaw at the comment.

"We're going to walk out of here...together," Emily paused and peered into almost gray orbs. "I know that you'll place your attention on Cruz, and Henry, and-and Will...the others. Just know that when it happens...when the day _does_ come...I'll be here." The promise lingered in the piercing air.


	2. Blast

Words…one would think that a former communications liaison for the FBI would be good with words. Good at-at finding the right words that fit, according to the situation. In relation to others … words…they came easier for the blonde. Throughout her career, JJ found words fitting to instill hope in what seemed to be hopeless situations for families as they found themselves waiting…agonizing…for their loved ones to be found in one form or another. At times, she found words fitting to inspire authorities, to move into action, to follow leads that could be the key to saving lives. On multiple accounts, she found words that were fit to dissipate leaks to the media that could have blown chances of finding an unsub. And occasionally, JJ found words fitting to use as a balm—to soothe victims after they were dealt the unfortunate hand of experiencing acts that no one person should ever have to experience.

Words were easier, when it came to others. Now finding words that were fitting to her own situation…that was different. It had been four months since the blonde was abducted—tortured by Askari and Hastings. And in those four months, the only two words that came to JJ's mind were highway hypnosis. Going back to psych 101, highway hypnosis is a mental state in which an individual can actually drive a vehicle, sometimes for great lengths, without any recollection.

Simply put it, it was as if she were on auto-pilot. And, being right on cue, it was time to start going through the motions of yet another day. First, her eyes slowly blinked open to allow her vision to adjust and to come into focus. Next, she gently lifted her head from the pillow, outstretched her arm, and slid the pad of her thumb across the phone screen to silence the alarm. The bedspread was thrown back, legs swung over the side of the bed, and she gradually stretched her limbs before padding towards the bathroom. As customary, the blonde haphazardly dropped her sleep shorts and shirt on the floor before pushing open the shower door. With eyes shut, she then closed the door and twisted the faucet. Now, unaware that Will had accidentally bumped the shower head out of its typical position the previous night, JJ was met unexpectedly with more than just a blast of water to the face…she was met with a memory.

* * *

_Feedback is welcome. _


	3. Downpour

Without warning, the protective barrier that housed all of JJ's undealt with emotions fractured into a million pieces. The result was a sudden downpour of inexpressible, overwhelming fear that left the blonde frozen. Paralyzed except for a reflexive head turn to the side and her body's involuntary short gasps for breath. Instantaneously, the shower spray blasted JJ from the comfort and familiarity of her own home and transported her, against her will, back to the dimly lit warehouse. Back to the concrete hellhole where she was held captive four months prior.

JJ's breathing became increasingly erratic. Her shoulders and collarbone contracted in rapid fire, attempting to move sufficient amounts of oxygen to the lungs to no avail. The effortful breathing soon caused tension in her neck, resulting in tightness and the sensation of her airway narrowing…closing. Her head began to swim and her hands and feet started to tingle with pins and needles—not from being chained to a ceiling and being forced to stand for hours on end but rather from the circulation of poorly oxygenated blood to the brain.

Tears started to roll down her face, mixing with the shower's spray. JJ's mind that held her imprisoned, cruelly decided to replay, in vivid detail, snippets of torture. Snippets of Askari. His hand hovering above a water nozzle—waiting, toying, until it eventually twisted in one fluid motion. The blonde's body started to shake violently, uncertain if it was from the memory or from the fact that the hot water had long ago run out.

JJ's left arm, somehow miraculously freed from its restraint, swung desperately. The blonde, in anticipation of Askari's attack, moved her limb across her face in attempt to protect herself from the incoming pelts of water.

During the spastic movement of her arm, JJ's hand unexpectedly connected with something solid. Her clenched fist made contact with shampoo and conditioner, causing both bottles to fall onto the shower floor with a resonating thud—a thud that caused her to literally jump in fright, and more importantly, to jump back to the present.

* * *

_Comments are much appreciated!_


	4. Anything But Black And White

_Epinephrine, also referred to as adrenaline, is a hormone that is produced by the body's adrenal glands once a stressful situation presents itself. When a threat has been identified, the hormone is subsequently released in the body to prepare an individual for what is commonly known as fight or flight. In preparation, adrenaline increases a person's heart rate to allow more nutrients to go to the muscles. It also increases the acuity of the body's senses._

The feeling of wet, ceramic tile on her bare feet served to plant JJ back in the present—back in her shower. The sound of a rapid heartbeat could be heard, pulsing in her ears, above the white noise of water pattering onto the shower floor. And a peculiar metallic taste enveloped her mouth, no doubt a result of overactive stomach acid.

The blonde was acutely aware of the quivering in her legs as she worked to steady herself. She could feel and see her hand tremble as she slowly raised her arm and gripped the faucet to end the icy spray. Her effortful swallows and unsteady gasps in attempt to halt the downpour of tears could be heard above the draining water.

With an unsteady hand, JJ smoothed back her drenched hair, looking down momentarily. The sight of water rolling down her scar from the electric burn proved too much, and she found herself backing up. The blonde's back made contact with the shower wall just in time and she slid down onto the cold floor as her legs gave out. Arms then wrapped protectively around the goose bump laden legs as she wrapped her mind around what was happening. Truth be told, she already knew.

From the various psychology courses she took throughout her schooling, JJ could recall the following signs by memory: a sense of terror; a racing heart; difficulty breathing; feeling faint or dizzy; tingling or numbness in the hands. From an outside point of view, she had witnessed victims and their loved ones exhibit some of the same behaviors. She had also seen it up close and personal as she comforted Garcia. Soothing her as she dealt with the aftermath of having a bullet rip through her chest and momentarily causing her heart to stop beating.

JJ slightly shook her head as she could almost hear Spence say, "You're obviously displaying symptoms of a panic attack. A sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. It's entirely textbook." The blonde considered textbook material to be written in black and white. This however, what she was experiencing…feeling…, was anything but.

JJ's tears slowly stuttered to a stop and her breathing eventually evened out as she engaged in respiratory techniques that she had learned, once upon a time, to help calm others. The panic attack had stopped. But JJ knew deep down that it was only dormant, and that it would erupt again when least expected. The thought alone almost sent the blonde reeling into another bout of panic. She didn't have time to though as Will's voice could be heard from the bedroom, asking if she were okay and saying that she was going to be late for work. JJ didn't have time to further reflect upon the event and what it truly meant as she found herself standing, putting on her mask, and preparing for the day.

* * *

_Feedback is much appreciated. Thanks!_


	5. Maybe-Just Maybe

_In Hindu mythology, a mantra is a word or a grouping of words that is repeatedly recited. __Individuals often associate mantras with power as they hold mystical possibilities._

As she worked intently on brushing the tangles out of her long, wet tresses, JJ heard her husband approach from behind. Glancing up in the mirror, she saw him lean against the frame of the doorway to their bathroom. His arms folded across his chest and his light blue eyes took in her uncharacteristic pallor. "Cher, are you okay?" He asked in his thick Louisiana dialect. JJ stopped moving the brush and set it on the vanity to prevent him from seeing the slight tremble in her hand. The blonde started to sense a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. Even so, she turned her head to look over her shoulder and met his worried glance with a collected poker face. "I'm fine." The words left her mouth smoothly, reflexively, just as Emily had predicted would happen. There was a pause, and JJ could see her husband trying to get a read on her hand. It was evident from his furrowed brow. "Really Will. I'm fine. I was feeling a little sick, but I'm better now." _Partial truths were better than complete lies—right_? Her husband, unable to call her bluff, uncrossed his arms and ran a hand through his light brown hair. And when he finally left and headed towards the kitchen, JJ took in a shaky breath to steady herself before she finished getting ready for work. She didn't have time to think about...it. She had to get ready for work.

* * *

"JJ, you okay?" She heard Morgan ask in a teasing manner from behind as she worked on refilling her coffee cup for the fifth time that morning. JJ was in definite need of a pick me up as she was undoubtedly experiencing the effects of an adrenaline dump. The blonde thought back momentarily at just how effortful it was to even make the drive in to work following the...episode. She thought about how she had to frequently blink her eyes to make them focus on the road. How it was a miracle that her concrete leg managed to lift for her foot to apply pressure to the brake in time. She thought about how her arms more or less laid on top of the steering wheel when she had to wait for the lights to change.

JJ paused before placing the coffee pot back onto the holder and setting her cup onto the countertop. Her stomach clenched as Derek called her out on the seemingly innocent but atypical behavior—seeing as how her max was only three cups. "I did notice that she's been reading at a significantly slower pace than usual," Reid could be heard walking in their direction, his factual tone ringing in her ears. JJ's heartrate started to increase and there was a building in her very being, now to the level of her chest. _What do I do?_ _What do I do?_ Her brain started to panic. But as if an answer to prayer, she yawned. _Go with it. _ The blonde then looked over her shoulder and met their looks with a playful smirk. "I'm fine. Just a little...tired," she intentionally lowered her voice at the end to make it crack. "Thanks for the concern boys." JJ laid it on thick by rolling her eyes before turning around and focusing her attention back to her coffee. She eventually heard the sound of light laugher and footsteps walking away as she added the customary amounts of cream and sugar. And when the two of them were out of earshot range, the blonde let out a breath that she didn't know she was holding. JJ shook her head and stuffed down the growing feelings. She didn't have time to think about...the episode. She had to get back to work.

* * *

JJ had succeeded in dragging herself across the finish line at the BAU. The blonde thanked God that it had only been a day full of paper work and not of an actual case. And as a reward for finishing her work day, she treated herself to yet another round of caffeine. So with coffee in hand, she had made it home safely just in time to go back to work.

With caffeine coursing through her veins, JJ had somehow managed to cook supper, clean the dinner table, and make small talk with Will. Somehow, she had managed to make it through a condensed nighttime story with Henry and was contemplating joining her husband in bed. _Bed_. She had to hold that heavenly thought as she heard her notification ringtone go off. The blonde groaned as she slowly made her way into the kitchen and picked up her phone. Her finger lazily drug across the screen to unlock it. Her hand then rubbed her tired eyes before she hit the icon to read the message. "**You prepared to go down Jareau?**" It took a moment for JJ to process. _Emily. Scrabble night_. There was no way that her brain was going to be able to function well enough to be of any challenge.

"**Sorry Em. Going to have to raincheck**." JJ typed and received a timely reply. "**Raincheck it is. Everything okay?**" The blonde stared at the message, thankful that they were communicating via text and not through a phone call or video chat where Emily could probably note the cracks in her mask. The brunette, of all people, would know what to look for. "**It's just been a long day.**" She left it at that. A couple of minutes had passed. "**You sure you're okay?**" Em asked once more. JJ bit her lip as her mind started to think about her...the day. Aware of the ever growing feeling, she pushed it down before it made its way to the level of her throat. "**I'm fine. Promise.**" Another couple of minutes had passed. "**Well get some rest. Talk to you soon.**"

"**Thanks. Night.**" The blonde responded as she chewed on her thumbnail, a habit she had picked up from Emily. JJ then locked her phone, carried it with her, and quietly made her way into the bedroom. She laid it gently on the night stand and, with all the energy that she could muster, finally crawled into bed, making sure not to disturb Will who was sound asleep. But as tired as she was throughout the entire day, as soon as her head hit the pillow, she found herself wide awake and staring into the darkness. Finally left alone to her thoughts.

It was the first time all day that JJ didn't have work to do as a wife, a mother, an employee, a coworker. Carefully, she let herself start to think about the...day. She thought about the same underlying question that seemed to be posed, and she also thought about her mantra. Maybe—just maybe—if she said it long enough...if she said it enough times...she would start to believe it. JJ forced her eyes closed and repeated "I'm fine," over and over in her mind in hopes of dispelling the feelings that were continuously building, waiting to erupt.

* * *

Please review if you enjoyed!


	6. Heat

_Phreatic activity refers to the period in which freezing ground water comes into contact with hot, molten rock. This interaction causes an expansion of steam to occur. If a volcano's rock is weathered, the event almost instantaneously results in an eruption of ash, rock, steam, and water. If however the rock face is strong enough to withstand the thermal contraction, an eruption may not occur. It is noted though that the volcano will likely develop cracks—weakening it and making it vulnerable for a future eruption. _

It was the third of July. Four weeks had passed, 29 days to the date, since her...since it happened. Since JJ was forcefully blasted to the past, in her mind's eye, and assaulted by a downpour of colorful emotions that she didn't have a name for. That she couldn't possibly begin to describe. In the days that followed the...episode, the blonde was in a predicament as she found herself in a state of coldness. Not physical but rather emotional. Emotionally numb was perhaps a better term that described her curious inability to have an emotional reaction to stimuli.

Deep down, when she allowed herself to cautiously reflect, when there was actually time, JJ knew that her numbing _probably_ indicated that something was wrong. That she really wasn't fine, although she still clung to the mantra as if it were her lifeline. And she knew that if it continued—her numbness—that it would ultimately have to be addressed, at one point or another. Nevertheless, although she did find herself in an emotionally raw state, crying on the cold shower floor, the blonde was not yet ready to admit there was a problem. So instead, for the time being, she willingly embraced the cold. It helped keep her upright as she trudged through her work with her mask on display.

JJ had managed to make it coolly through another work day, even if her vehicle's AC had decided to go out during her morning drive. Now normally, she would have grumbled about the mere inconvenience of the incident. However, her current state put all complaints on ice and she just impassively placed it on her ever growing to do list.

Getting to cross some items off of that list, the blonde mechanically finished the load of paperwork due on the recent case in Dallas, Texas. She also, in a very chilled manner, left the BAU and maneuvered through congested holiday traffic to the grocery. Last minute items needed to be picked up for her family's Fourth of July get together. With the bags loaded, JJ finally found herself back in her vehicle. So with the radio off and the windows rolled down for air, she numbly took in her surroundings as she made her way home.

Turning left onto Barnett, she could feel the wind gently pick up, whipping her hair around her face. As she made a right onto Caitlin Avenue, she was met with the familiar smells of freshly cut grass and barbecue smoke. While normally stirred to nostalgia by such things, the blonde remained unmoved. On Caitlin Ave, she could also hear the sounds of children laughing and playing in their yards. Out of her peripheral, she could even see some of them with..._sparklers_.

Unconsciously, her grip tightened on the steering wheel and her breathing picked up. An expansion began to occur and short, labored breaths could be heard over the faint crackle that the hand-held fireworks emitted. The faint crackle that sounded very much like...

"No," the blonde gasped. Her chest started to tighten. Even so, she drove on, doing her best to get away from the populated area. She had made it a little ways away before noting the onset of tunnel vision. Realizing that she wouldn't be able to drive any further, JJ abruptly jerked the wheel and pulled her vehicle off to the side of the road. With unsteady limbs, she somehow managed to coordinate her hand and foot together and shifted into park. And with much effort, she pulled enough fine motor movement from her fingers to kill the engine and to unfasten her seat belt.

JJ placed both hands onto the steering wheel and squeezed, her knuckles turning white. Her head had also found its way on top of the steering wheel as she bent over and gulped for air. Unaware, once frozen tears had started to fall and make their way down her quivering chin. The blonde was reacting from the heat of a memory.

The slam of a hollow, metal bucket resonated in the concrete warehouse. As the reverberation died, a steady stream could be heard, filling up the container. JJ had noted that the spray had come to a halt, and her ears quickly registered the sound of sloshing. Sloshing that sent chills down her spine as it alerted that someone was moving the bucket.

The tightening in her chest worsened. In her mind, JJ could see Tivan Askari. His eyes as black as the shirt he was wearing. She could see his smug face as he inched towards her, bucket and jump leads in hand. The blonde started to shake uncontrollably in fear as he sat the bucket down.

The pain that she was experiencing was becoming more and more unbearable, both physically and mentally. JJ could see Askari as he outstretched his arm and submerged a jump lead loaded sponge into the bucket. Small drips could be heard as it was removed, and a trail of water could be seen, pattering in her direction.

A distressed whimper tore through her throat as she heard a distinct hum, indicating that a switch had been flipped. JJ could see Askari's arm make its way towards her, aiming fixedly at her side.

Just before having electricity rip through her frame, shocking her nervous system and burning a patch of tissue along the current, the blonde was met with the blaring of her notification ringtone. A startled scream resulted. Fortunately though, the road that she had landed at was unpopulated.

Blinking rapidly in attempt to stop her crying and to clear her blurry vision, JJ could start to make out the forms of her shaking legs and the interior of her vehicle. She wasn't there..._She wasn't there_. She eventually convinced herself to loosen the death grip on what seemed to be the steering wheel. She then stiffly sat up, leaned against the head rest, and worked to get a hold of her bearings.

An unidentified amount of time had passed before her breathing had evened out and the chest pain had fully resided. Exhibiting some difficulty with volitional movements, the blonde fumbled as she finally retrieved the phone from her bag. Uncoordinatedly, she unlocked it and read the message. "**My dearest JJ, what shall I bring to the 4****th**** of July celebration? ~PG" **

JJ stopped. Her mind mulled over her situation and she bit her lip, almost to the point of bleeding. _Maybe it was time? Maybe it was time to tell somebody? Maybe it was time to...deal? _However, becoming reoriented, she came to realize what day it was. What tomorrow would be, and a tug of guilt resounded from within. She didn't want to put a damper on what was supposed to be a fun-filled time with her closest family and friends. She couldn't drop the bomb on them. Not then.

Upon making the decision, JJ had turned her attention back to her phone. Putting forth her best effort to keep in tune with their normal banter, she typed. "**Just yourself. That's all I need**." Knowing that should work, she read an instantaneous reply. Garcia had tremendous word speed, regardless of when speaking or typing. It was probably closely related to her impressive caffeine intake. All of the half-caf, extra-shot, venti, two pump, non-fat, hold-the-whip caramel macchiatos.

"**My oh my. I'll light your firework;) ~PG**."

Unfrozen, the blonde's lips managed to turn up for a small but genuine smile. She sincerely shot back. "**I** **wouldn't have it any other way**."

Following the short conversation, JJ had put her phone back in her bag and cranked the vehicle. Her hand then raised and turned on the interior lights. She decided to take a look in the rearview mirror to assess the damage. Thankful that her nose and eyes weren't red, she carefully used her index finger to remove any trace of smudged eyeliner. Eventually, the lights were turned off, her seat belt was buckled, and she started to drive the rest of the way home.

As she turned onto her street, JJ had thought about the statement she knew was coming. "You're late again." The passive aggressive words would undoubtedly be coupled with a piercing stare. She had gotten that a lot since she had left the State Department. When met with the words, the blonde would once again resort to a partial truth. When met, she would simply say, "I got caught up," and leave it at that. Will didn't have to know that she was caught up in a memory—at least not yet. She _was _going to tell. When the time was right. Until then, she would do her best to brace herself for the period of blistering heat.

* * *

_Feel free to comment. I'm very much taking them into consideration. _


	7. Off Kilter

August the 8th. It had been 36 days since her thawing out period. And since then, the blonde had definitely made up for her bout of emotional numbness as she found herself feeling–more than she ever wanted. Feeling on edge. Feeling nervous. Feeling fearful...of fear. It was as if JJ was a prisoner to fear, constantly worrying about losing herself to an attack in the presence of others. Because of this, she was also starting to feel the pull of exhaustion. She was starting to feel tired of worrying if any spike in heart rate or change in breathing would ultimately spiral out of control. She was starting to feel tired of being on watch. Of having to be aware of her surroundings in order to avoid what could be potential triggers. And more than anything, she was tired of the feeling, the gut-wrenching feeling, that another episode loomed up ahead, just waiting.

She was still going to tell. She was still going to talk about _some_ of her feelings. JJ knew that she had actively pushed down the emotions from the horrific experience because of not wanting to deal. But it was time. She w_as_ going to tell, when the time was right. However, it always seemed as if something had managed to get in the way. Life: whether it was a birthday party or play-date with one of Henry's friends, a get-together, a cherished, non-interrupted family extravaganza. The list went on and on. Work was also a big factor as she seemed to be on the go as of late. The team still wasn't back to full force following Blake's departure. One member down, everybody still had to pick up the extra responsibilities until finding a suitable replacement. So with all of the duties heaped onto her plate, she simply couldn't find the right time_._ _It wasn't an excuse_. Until the opportune moment revealed itself, the blonde had coaxed herself into sucking it up. Until the right time, she would continue through her struggles alone.

Luckily, it had been a relative, struggle-free day as she reveled in what was truly time-off. Hotch had given everybody the rest of the week as they had gotten back from a grueling six days in California. With Will at work, Henry at school and not having anywhere to be afterwards until a sleep over at 6:00, JJ dropped her guard. The blonde took off her mask and tried to find solace in the mundane.

Following her ritual coffee intake, she went through the menial task of clearing up the hazard zone that was her house. A lot of things happened. A lot of things were left haphazardly, during her time away from home. _Boys will be boys, even if they're grown._ Going about her routine, JJ scavenged the floors and picked up random articles of clothing. Apparently the floor was the biggest shelf in their house when she was away. Picking up shirts and socks, she headed towards the laundry room and started to sort. Upon starting a load, she turned her attention to the kitchen and started to clean the massive amount of dishes that occupied both sides of the sink. After starting another load of laundry, the blonde took time to eat lunch in silence before approaching the daunting but necessary task of vacuuming the now fairly cleared floors. Taking a little bit longer than expected, she finished just in time to pick Henry up from school.

During the drive back, JJ took in Henry's excitement about the upcoming sleep over and listened as he discussed the apparent plans of playing with Ninja Turtles and eating ice-cream and pizza. Glancing up in the rearview mirror, she could see his blue eyes sparkle with excitement. _May he never lose that sparkle_, she prayed. She prayed that he would be kept safe from the evils of the world; that he would never find himself...bent. She quickly turned her head and gave him a soft smile before directing her attention back to the school traffic.

Making it back home and barely having time to unlock the door, JJ sidestepped out of the way as Henry raced towards his room—always on a mission. Closing the door behind her, she headed towards the laundry room to start yet another load.

With the clothes going, JJ started to go through the mail. Working through the mounds of envelopes, reading the essentials, and sorting out the junk eventually tired her eyes. Focusing on the kitchen clock, there was still ample time before Henry had to be dropped off. Deciding to make her way to his room, she poked her head inside. She could see his back turned and could hear him—sound effects a plenty as Iron Man flew at top speed in the air. Seeing as how he was currently occupied, the blonde took advantage and moseyed towards the couch to rest her eyes.

Wrapped up in her to-do list and upcoming schedule of events, JJ didn't hear Henry as he exited his room. Seeing his mother's eyes closed, the boy, filled with mischief, wanted to surprise her with his drawing he made at school. Would she think Harrison would like it? He had planned on showing it to him later. He tiptoed towards the couch with picture in hand. His ninja skills were obviously improving as she didn't move, and he continued to sneak in her direction. Finally making it to the arm of the couch where her head was resting, his small hand went to cover her eyes.

Rocked off-kilter by the sudden sensation, JJ snapped her eyes open to find them covered. Having experienced sensory deprivation once before when she was snatched by Hastings' men, she bolted upright and screamed. Out of shock, Henry jumped back and stared at his mother, his mouth agape.

Coming to her senses, JJ took in her son, his eyes wide in concern as if he did something wrong. Her heart rate started to increase.

"Mommy?" She heard him ask worriedly. "Mommy, are you okay?"

She did her best to quickly put on her mask. She had forgotten all about it during her down time. JJ let out a convincing, small chuckle and smiled. "I'm good. You just scared me." She placed her hand dramatically over her heart for effect and could feel it beating wildly in her chest. She swallowed. "You have to tell Uncle Spence about your ninja skills."

Her comment brought a smile that went from ear to ear. Looking at his hand, JJ asked, "What do you have there?" She swallowed again and tried her best to control her breathing. It was of no use as fear successfully stole her breath.

"My picture. There's Iron Man and he's beating the bad guy. Do you think Harrison will like it?"

JJ managed to still find her voice. "He's going to love it. Maybe you should draw one with Ninja Turtles too. Maybe Michelangelo? He's your..." Without hearing another word, Henry raced to his room with an even better idea. He was going to draw a picture with Michelangelo AND Leonardo. They were both the best.

Upon seeing him bolt into his room, JJ, on long, unsteady legs, found herself bursting towards her own intended destination with speed; speed that was fueled by the ever-rising sense of terror. Maneuvering past shoes and socks that had magically appeared along the once cleared floor, she could hear her heart pound in her ears. As she miraculously made the sharp turn without crashing into the doorframe, she entered her bedroom and eyed the finish. _Gotta make it, _she thought as she willed her limbs to push just a little further. _Please! _ She prayed.

Somehow, unsteady legs stuttered into the bathroom and turned, coming to a halt. Small pulls of air could be heard, becoming shorter and shorter as she became increasingly overcome. Not entirely incapacitated and still displaying some control of volitional movements, her arms rose heavily with intent and closed the door. With brows furrowed in concentration, her shaking hands fumbled at the lock.

With it finally twisted and her body exceedingly tense, the blonde let out a muffled sob. A single tear rolled down from her tumultuous, oceanic eyes—followed by another and another. Unable to stop them, the tears soon began to fall in a steady stream.

Reacting from the adrenaline, blood vessels had tensed and her body temperature spiked. Feeling overheated and exhibiting even more difficulty breathing, JJ whimpered in frustration as she struggled to work her cardigan off of her shoulders. Eventually succeeding in shucking the extra weight from her already weighted body, she dropped the article onto the floor. And in an effort to improve her respiration, her arms labored to raise overhead and she half leaned-half fell against the door.

Detecting that the change in posture was useless in her struggle, JJ turned dizzily and pressed her back against the door. Unable to stifle her cries any longer, they resounded the same time that her legs crumpled beneath her.

Finding herself on the floor, her hands raised and pushed stray strands of blonde out of her pained face. "I'm not-I'm not there." She gasped between sobs. "He ca-He can't...get me." Her body rocked in attempt to soothe her sorrow.

In time, the blonde had managed to come down from her latest attack. Upon calming, she had also come down with a new feeling: purpose. In that moment, JJ had purposed in her heart to make the time to talk. She promised herself that she would make the time that night, after dropping Henry off. She would tell Will about _some _of her feelings and about what was going on. When they had said their vows, once upon a time, they had mentioned for better or for worse. She had a feeling that it was going to get worse before it ever got better, and Will deserved to know.

Feeling the blood rush to her head as she stood, JJ waited for the stars to fade before moving towards the vanity. Looking up into the mirror, she felt a sting in her chest. The person staring back looked like her, but it wasn't. Quickly pushing the emotions down, the blonde diverted her thoughts onto getting Henry ready for that night. Wiping her face, she then walked towards the door, unlocked it, and was off.

The rest of the evening was a bit of a blur. She had dropped Henry off, arrived back at the house, and was waiting for Will to return. With a plate of untouched food before her, JJ sat in the kitchen and stared at the door. Eventually, she could hear heavy steps and a key at the lock.

Walking inside, Will wasn't expecting to see his wife sitting at the table and staring fixedly in his direction. He wasn't prepared and was rocked off-kilter by the look that she was giving. The look that basically begged—screamed—for comfort. Slowly closing the door without ever breaking eye contact, he swallowed. And finding his feet moving in her direction, he internally braced himself for what was to come with each step.

Upon closing the distance between them and pulling her trembling frame into his arms, he started to feel drops of wetness on his shirt. Placing a gentle kiss on her head, Will held his wife and let her cry. All the while, he purposed in his own heart to help her in whatever way possible and to be whatever she needed him to be.

* * *

_Special thanks to all of the reviews! Your words have encouraged me to continue what was originally intended to be a one-shot._


	8. No Matter What

The sniffles in the otherwise silent room had quietened to a halt. Will could feel the hot puffs of air on his neck deepen, becoming more even. Signifying that, at last, JJ's tense body had started to relax. He noted that his wife's lean frame, still pressed closely against him for refuge, had stopped shaking in his arms.

Sensing that it was time to release her from the embrace, Will's arms delicately unwrapped around her. But still wanting her to feel safe enough, to still be able to have the courage to share what was on her mind—in her heart—he deliberately sat down across from her at the table and placed her hands in his. The gesture, as simple as it was, provided JJ with the grounding contact that she so desperately needed.

Will looked into his wife's red-rimmed but still achingly beautiful eyes; eyes that currently revealed a vast range of emotions swirling about.

JJ took a steadying breath as she met her husband's gaze. One that exuded gentle concern that mirrored the small lines etched on his face.

_Where do I start? HOW...do I start? _The blonde bit her lip—an obvious tell of nerves. At two different points, she had opened her mouth in attempt to initiate the long, overdue conversation. However, nothing ever seemed to come out, and the silence was the only thing that resounded in the small space between them.

Often one to fill the silence, to voice in the void, Will didn't push this time. He knew that the act would get him nowhere very quickly. He had seen this up close and personal at various points throughout their relationship—seeing as how his wife was about as stubborn as he was. It was one of the many qualities that he both loved about her and that could also drive him crazy.

But more than anything, Will didn't push because he knew. He knew that as soon as he stepped through the door of their house and was met with his wife's shattered stare, that the situation he entered into was fragile. And that it could break. It could fracture into a million little pieces if not approached with care. It didn't necessitate force.

Earlier, he had promised, purposed in his heart, to be whatever JJ needed him to be. And that he would do whatever she needed him to do. He had intended to stay true to his word. Will intended to show his wife just how deep his love ran. He knew that he didn't do it near enough, especially since she had returned to the BAU. The very thought of his neglect twisted his insides with deep seeded guilt, but he couldn't change the past—as much as he wanted to. No, but he could take steps to better the present. So he waited. He showed his utmost devotion by the uncharacteristic act of restraint.

Providing one more encouragement in the silence, Will purposefully interlaced their fingers together—a semblance of their shared lives.

"Will..." He heard her voice crack from emotion and lack of use.

JJ swallowed and took a shaky breath. Her brow furrowed as she could feel the messy emotions work their way up. "I-I've been..."

Tears started to well up in her eyes. They glistened, and Will noted the quivering of her lip.

"I've been having panic attacks," she sniffled. "Flash backs from..." She blinked rapidly to no avail, and the tears started to trickle down. JJ broke eye contact and looked away to the side. "You know," she whispered and jutted her jaw.

Will did know. He knew very well. How could he forget the fact that his wife—Henry's mother—was taken and tortured for hours on end at the hands of traitors? He could feel anger start to build; anger towards the men that continued to torture, to afflict, his wife even after their deaths. However, as angry as he was, he had to stay calm.

He gently squeezed her hands. "How long?" While seething on the inside, Will tried to exude calmness on the outside. "How long Cher?" He asked softly once more with the term of endearment.

"Will..." Her voice broke and she continued to look away. The sniffles became more and more frequent.

"It's okay. JJ...it's okay," he soothed.

She looked up and caught his gaze once more. The blonde licked her lips. "June." Tears continued to fall and her chest rose up and down in rapid succession. Her tear filled eyes darted back and forth, trying to get a read on his emotions.

_JUNE? TWO MONTHS_? Will felt a sting. She had kept this from him for two months. Not angry but rather hurt, he had to know. "Why?" He whispered.

JJ pulled her unsteady hands out of his at that moment and pushed stray strands of hair out of her face. She then bit her thumbnail as she thought about the question that was posed. She had contemplated the very same question before. She knew it really wasn't about finding the right time. She couldn't do it. She couldn't lie to herself anymore, and she couldn't lie to him.

Her hand dropped lifelessly at her side. "Because..." She swallowed again and licked her lips. "Because I'm...I'm a wife and a mother. A-a partner. Friend..." Her hand went back to push more hair out of the way. "When we see victims in our line of work...they're...they're...And that means that I'm..." Both hands went up to cover her eyes as she was overcome and let out a complete body wracking cry. Her insides wrenched because since she had finally spoken it, since she had finally said it aloud, it had become real.

In the midst of her sobs, JJ could faintly hear the sound of a chair scooting back.

She soon found herself once more in the shelter of Will's arms, and her hands worked their way up and wrapped tightly around his neck.

"Shhh." He gently rocked her and whispered in her ear. "Shhh."

A long amount of time had passed before her crying had ceased. Lulled by the warmth of the embrace, and simply overcome by exhaustion from all of the day's events, JJ went limp in his arms. Her blood shot eyes grew heavier and she found it more and more difficult to keep them open.

Feeling the sudden shift in weight, Will knew that they were done. JJ was in no condition to continue their talk.

Gently adjusting her in his arms, he carried his wife princess style towards their bedroom.

Softly laying her down onto her side of the bed, he noticed that her eyes were already closed and her chest rhythmically rose up and down in much needed sleep.

Will pulled off his shoes and removed his button up. Moving quietly to his side of the bed, he made his way onto it; careful not to dip it too much with his weight.

Inching closer, he spooned JJ from behind. Will breathed in her comforting scent and placed a tender kiss on the back of her neck. His arms then slowly wrapped around her waist. Even in her sleep, he wanted her to somehow sense, to know, that he'd be there for her...no matter what.

* * *

_Reviews help me keep in check that I am staying realistic! In regards to the request made to have the team find JJ in an episode, I have an idea in mind. It will come later though. _


	9. Forward

_Hungover._ It really was the only term that accurately described what she was feeling.

JJ's heavy eyes sluggishly opened and struggled to blink back the haze of sleep. Squinting as her overly sensitive orbs filtered in soft rays of light, her vision started to adjust and her brain gradually registered what was the form of a..._nightstand_? Wasn't she? When had she gone to? The blonde couldn't think. The act proved to be too much as she was met with the sharp pounding in her head.

Wincing and adjusting to the pulsing sensation, JJ came to sense that she wasn't alone as she identified the feeling of an arm around her waist. _Will_. Another violent hammering to the temple brought upon a sudden wave of nausea, and her mouth closed quickly in order to stifle a groan. Snapping her eyes shut on reflex, the blonde remained as still as possible in hopes that the unpleasant feelings would eventually pass.

In her stillness, the bout of nausea slowly died and her headache had become more of a tolerable, dull throb. Finally gathering up the courage to move, JJ turned her head ever so slightly. As she did, she discovered that she had on the same clothes that she had worn the day before.

Instantly, the blonde's neural pathways fired on all cylinders and she found herself remembering...The episode...Will..._Everything_.

Not wanting to disturb her husband who was asleep (based upon the light, even breaths that could be heard), but still in desperate need of something comforting, JJ willed her weighted limbs to maneuver towards the edge of the bed. In the process, Will's hand had dropped onto the mattress, but his breathing remained even.

Quietly working her legs over the side, the blonde's feet made contact with the floor, and she quickly made her way towards the kitchen. It wasn't too long before a familiar aroma wafted throughout the house, and Will lethargically stirred from his slumber.

After rubbing his tired eyes, he moved his arm to find the other side of the bed unoccupied. But it was still warm. JJ hadn't been up for too long.

So rolling over onto his back and bringing both hands behind his head, Will stared up at the ceiling and pondered about how he was going to proceed. They weren't finished, by any means.

* * *

In the kitchen, JJ had found herself sitting at the table—legs brought up close to her chest for comfort. With both hands wrapped tightly around her coffee mug, the blonde slowly brought the warm liquid to her lips. And while it did wonders to soothe the dull throbbing in her head, it did nothing to mollify the raw, ever-expanding emotions.

In the midst of her self-reflection, JJ could hear footsteps, and Will could be seen entering the kitchen. Observing the look of exhaustion upon his face, the blonde was hit with guilt as she knew that she was the cause.

Seeing her body tense and noting the flash of guilt in her eyes, Will knew what he had to do at the moment...He had to wait.

Upon the conclusion, he shuffled towards the coffee pot, filled his own mug to the brim, and made his way to the table in an unhurried manner.

Not yet ready to delve into the inevitable conversation, JJ avoided making eye contact with her husband. Instead, she focused her attention on the kitchen clock. It was 8:30. She found herself counting the minutes that went by as they drank their coffee in silence. Will just sat and peered into his mug, watching the content get less and less with each sip that he took.

* * *

Fourteen minutes. That's how long it took for the two of them to finish their coffee. And as their empty mugs were set in front of them, there really wasn't anything else to divert their attention.

All at once, everything had to come to a standstill as the two finally made eye contact with each other and engaged in an all-out staring match. Both tried to get a read on the other, and both contemplated the delicate subject matter.

Conceding, JJ was the first to break eye contact. Her head turned as she attempted to collect her thoughts.

Eventually, she decided to meet her husband's gaze once more—this time accompanied with a sad smile that was starting to bend at the edges.

"I don't...know," she spoke softly. Finally putting an end to the deafening silence in the room, and somehow finding the courage to voice a response to the unspoken question that lingered between them.

"All I know is that-that Henry has to be picked up at 10:00," she let out a soft snort. "We have brunch on Sunday, and then it's back to work again on Monday." It was in that moment that the sad smile seamlessly morphed into a melancholic frown. And the blonde paused to swallow the emotive lump in her throat. "Life doesn't stop...It continues...even if..." Her voice started to waver and she looked away. "I've got to keep moving forward," she whispered to herself.

"JJ..." The way her husband spoke her name conveyed so much meaning.

Knowing his thoughts, the blonde looked up in that instant and shook her head. "No," she said in gentle protest.

"Don't you think you should try?" Will attempted once more, making sure to keep an even tone.

"And what would I do Will?" Her shoulders shrugged. "Sit and...talk to some stranger about how-how I've been trapped in my mind? Tell them...how I flashed back to the times when I was tortured with water...when I was electrocuted over and over and over?" Her volume started to increase. "Talk to them about...how I literally had my breath stolen when Henry went to surprise me. Because for a split second, I thought that I was being taken from inside our own home?" Her fingers ran through her hair in frustration. "Or, I don't know...how now my heart rate increases every single time that I even step inside the shower?"

The devastating reveal sent Will reeling and he was vastly overcome with heartache. This entire time, how could he not have seen in? How could he not have known?

In the midst of his guilt laden reverie, the blonde worked to steel herself. It was in that moment that the curtain had been lifted, and Will could finally see it—the mask.

With now guarded eyes and a look of pure determination, JJ resolved to bring the conversation to a close. "I told you...and that's a step. But it's not affecting my job so...no. Not when I've worked so hard to prove that I'm actually capable."

Seeing as how the mask was secured in place, Will had no other choice but to comply. "Okay," he said in defeat. He knew that his wife needed help—that she needed to truly talk to somebody. But he also knew her. And that it would take her coming to that realization herself. Pushing wasn't exactly conducive when her stubborn streak revealed itself. So until then, all he could do was wait and brace for the inevitable. At least now, she wouldn't have to go through it totally alone.

"Okay," she gave a small, definitive nod and slowly moved to get up from the table. She had to get dressed—get ready. Henry had to be picked up at 10:00.

She had to keep moving forward.


	10. Lost In Conversation

_Sorry it's been a while. I have to admit, it took a long time before I was really happy with the feel of the chapter. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

It was September the 26th. Forty-nine days had come and gone since JJ's raw confession to Will. Since she had purposed in her heart and told her husband about _some _of her feelings and about what was going on.

In the days that followed the long overdue conversation, truth be told, it seemed as if things had gotten a little...easier for the blonde.

Maybe, it was the fact that she didn't have to go it totally alone. The fact that she could talk to someone, to Will, if need be (although she hadn't).

Or, maybe it was the fact that Hotch had recently hired a new addition to the BAU, which meant everyone's workload had lessened in degree. It also meant that there were fewer items on her plate of heaping responsibilities—fewer things that held her attention and required effort, allowing more energy to be placed on preceding each situation with care.

It could have been a culmination of things. Who knows? The only thing that truly mattered was that things had gotten a little...better. And, it had been a good night...

* * *

"Night baby," JJ whispered softly as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to Henry's forehead. Placing the book on his nightstand and quietly moving from the bed so as not to stir him, she smiled and made her way to the door.

Silently pulling it to, JJ turned to see Will; back against the wall and arms folded across his chest, just taking in the sight before him. Just reveling in one of the rare moments where he caught his wife with her walls down, and a true, genuine smile was on her face.

"Henry's out," she snorted, body turning to face him.

"Like a light." Will finished her sentence in his thick, Southern drawl and lightly chuckled.

"Will..." JJ's brow furrowed momentarily at the sudden shift; at the abrupt silence between them and at the look her husband gave—the one that spoke volumes without ever having uttered a single word. The look that confessed...I've missed you.

It wasn't that the two of them hadn't been intimate ever since the conversation that night—because they had been. It was just that, during their times together, the blonde was always on guard. And, in all actuality, it was more for Will than anything. But standing there, upon catching his look, JJ came to realize just how much she had missed him too.

With darkening eyes, she bit her lip and took his hands, leading them towards their bedroom.

Making it into the room, Will barely had enough time to lock the door and turn around before he was met with a soft pair of lips on his.

JJ could feel his lips turn up into a smile as she kissed him, _truly_ kissed him, and started to express in a language all of its own that she had missed him too. She had missed...being with him. She missed the feeling of being whole—complete—especially since she wrestled the thoughts that she had lost a part of herself.

While quickly becoming lost in the conversation of kisses, JJ still had enough faculties to notice that Will was moving them towards their intended destination. But needing to be the one to confess—to express just how sorry she was that she had neglected him...that she had neglected them—JJ intentionally turned them so the back of her husband's legs hit the edge of the bed instead.

Will sensed her hands had moved to the back of his neck and pulled him closer. More than willing to let his wife set the pace for the evening, his own hands started to explore and slowly moved down her arms before landing at her waist.

Desiring more contact, Will began to tease the skin under her shirt. And, upon hearing the hum of approval, his hands fanned out and sensually rubbed her sides.

"**You're an attractive woman Jareau," **a familiar voice echoed in the blonde's ears at that moment and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand straight up.

Feeling the fog of arousal lift instantly, JJ released the hold of her husband's hair, and her hands fell to her sides. Her eyes then closed as she focused on trying to gain control of her breathing.

"**No more games.**" Glassy, blue eyes snapped open at the words...at the threat...at..._HASTINGS_.

Will eventually came to register the loss of contact and lack of response to his touches. Opening his own eyes, he quickly took in the rapid movements of his wife's collar bone as well as her glazed, unfocused stare. He removed his hands from under her shirt and swallowed.

"JJ?" He cupped both sides of her face with his hands in attempt to make eye contact. "Cher?"

There was no response apart from the nonverbal raising of her arms, and her hands made their way on top of his and gripped—working to escape from the unwanted hold.

_Gotta...get away. _JJ forced herself to push past the paralyzing fear and focused on the task with urgency, gritting her teeth in determination.

"Look at me Cher. Come on," Will gently implored—still keeping his hands at her face; still hoping that she would _just_ look at him and make her way back to the present—back to him.

Eye contact was futile though as he noticed her head began to thrash from side to side in frustration. _I have to...He can't..._The blonde could feel the fear clawing at her chest, ripping the very breath from her lungs.

"JJ, Please." Will's voice cracked as her thrashing increased in extent and she began to kick in defense.

Setting his jaw and taking a deep breath, Will steeled himself for what he had to do next. _Please forgive me Cher._

Unable to break the mental chains, but needing to keep them both safe from potential harm, he swiftly released the hold at his wife's face, spun her around, and sat them down on the edge of the bed.

Faint whimpers could be heard the moment she detected arms and legs had wrapped around hers to form an effective pin.

_How can...I need to..._JJ couldn't think past the puffs of breath at the back of her neck, and her eyes closed momentarily as she swallowed down the bile making its way up her throat.

"**You're the price,"** the deceptively smooth voice carried the promise of what was to come.

_Not much time. Can't let him..._JJ clenched her jaw and bucked out of desperation. Her actions doing nothing except exerting energy and making the hem of her shirt rise up in the process.

Adjusting around his wife's arms during the abrupt movements, one of Will's calloused hands landed at the side of her stomach and unknowingly rubbed her scar.

"**Maybe…we can make you another one.**" The blonde gasped at the contact and was flooded with a sense of dirtiness...contamination. _IF _she survived the following act, how could Will ever look at her the same?

_...wait..._

JJ's body suddenly hunched forward, and sweaty strands of hair shielded her expression of absolute heartbreak.

"Will...I'm-'m..." Her voice wavered with unshed tears as she came to the dark realization that she wasn't going to come back to him...to Henry.

Feeling the tears well up in her eyes, JJ pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth in effort to prevent the sobs from escaping. But it was no use, and soft cries tore from her throat anyways.

In the midst of her agony, the blonde was vaguely aware of the shushing in her ears. Hastings was taunting her.

All at once, it was as if all of the energy had drained from her body the exact moment she felt herself being forced to lie down on her side. JJ trembled as hands wrapped around her waist, and her eyes closed—sorrowful tears continuing to roll down from them.

"I'm sorry," she apologized for her inability to save herself. "'m so sorry."

"It's okay," Will soothed, spooning her from behind. All the while just wishing he could absorb the pain that she was experiencing into his own body.

JJ let the words wash over her. At least in her final moments, she would hear her husband's voice...even if it was in her mind.

Feeling herself being rolled onto her back, she replayed his words over and over as she prepared for the beginning of the end.

JJ expected the next actions to be rough. Violent. Degrading. Ripping her apart in every sense of the phrase. But with eyes still closed, she was confused as instead she was met with a tender touch at her face.

"It's gonna be okay," Will gently rubbed his thumb across her cheek and wiped at her tears.

JJ tried to bring the tears to a halt, but they continued to trickle down in a steady stream. "Will," she sniffled and worked at the lump in her throat. "Hastings...I can't...I can't get him off."

Her husband removed the caress at her face and picked up her hand, holding it in his. He swallowed down the lump in his own throat. "I'll help you get him off Cher..._WE'LL _get him off, but you gotta open your eyes for me darlin'. Look at me."

The blonde's heart ached at the request. "But if I open my eyes, then...then you'll be gone. I ca-I can't..."

"I won't leave you," she heard the conviction in his words.

So desperately wanting to trust him, she was still uncertain. "I'm scared," her confession nothing more than a broken whisper.

"I know darlin'. I know. But I'm here." Will gently squeezed her hand. "I'm right here."

Heart violently pounding within her chest, JJ finally gathered up the courage to step out on faith, and she slowly opened her eyes.

* * *

_Hopefully the next update will be sooner rather than later. I have a timeline of events already mapped out, but I may try to add one more thing into the mix. Any other requests? _


	11. Okay

"Will?" JJ asked breathlessly and blinked to remove the blur of tears. He could see her eyes squinting in question as to if the sight that was coming into focus before her was even real. She didn't know—couldn't tell—and the lines of worry were evident on her face.

"Yeah Cher...it's me," Will squeezed her hand in gentle reassurance and brought his other hand up to cup her cheek.

The blonde shut her eyes momentarily at the sound of his voice, at the comforting touch, and she unconsciously leaned into his hand as she worked to steady herself. The task soon proved to be a difficult feat though as her thoughts ran rampant, and she eventually found herself taken under siege by internal warfare.

_...How? __How could I have let this happen? _

_How could I even think he was here? He's...he's dead...He's dead. _

_...I should have known_—s_hould've caught it. _

_...WHY did I have to ruin everything? _She winced at the self-critical bullets.

"JJ?" Her husband's concerned tone drew her out of the line of fire and brought her into another. "Are you okay?" She felt a hand at her back as she moved to sit up.

"I'm...I'm fine," she hesitated; the mantra seeming ludicrous even to her.

"Are you?" The gentle question brought a wan expression to her face, and her head fell forward. Her slightly trembling hand worked its way through her hair.

"...I will be," she whispered and lifted her head to find blue, sympathetic eyes staring back at her.

Will gave his wife a sad smile and slowly shook his head. "No darlin'...you won't. Not 'til you start dealin' wi"

A burst of air escaped past the blonde's tight lips. "Dealing?" Her eyebrows lowered at the remark. "Will, every day I'm dealing with-with this," she flailed her hands in emphasis.

"No Cher, you're not. You'd like to think so, but you're not."

"Will," he could see the short, sharp nod of her head.

"JJ, you're bracin'—holdin' on for dear life just hopin' that something doesn't set you off."

"WILL"

"Cher, that's not dealin'," he paused, his lips turning downward. "It's not...it's not livin'."

JJ's body reacted involuntarily to her husband's emotional sucker punch to the gut, and she exhaled deeply—doing her best to ignore the heavy pain in her chest. Her eyes burned with unshed tears.

"...You said you didn't wanna talk to some stranger bout all this—bout what happened—what's goin' on...but you haven't talked to me either," Will licked his lips before carefully continuing on the rickety path. "Darlin', havin' walls just keeps people out. It doesn't do anything bout the pain inside...It's still...it's still there...Talk to me JJ," he could see her psychological defenses start to crumble as silent tears began to track down her face. "Let me in."

"I don't...I-I ca"

"Please," the mere desperation in his voice stopped JJ's futile attempt to stem the deep, emotional wounds that had been opened, and her heart clenched tightly as she came to realize more of the extent of her actions. She was hurting him—by her stubbornness. By her decision to keep him emotionally at arm's length as she continued to suffer in silence and struggled to move on as if nothing ever happened.

It wasn't her intent—to hurt him. In fact, she had went in making the resolve, following their previous conversation, with him in mind (partially). She didn't want to be a burden. She didn't want to weigh him down with her problems (she was the reason that she had gotten herself in the situation in the first place), so she internalized everything. It really wasn't up for discussion. No, she made the decision for him. But in doing so, she had failed to consider just how her actions would end up affecting him...not until now. Not until that night.

Inhaling sharply, JJ searched within herself for strength and consented to lower her mask a little bit—to expose a part of herself and her vulnerability—for Will. She owed him that much.

"...He touched me," she found the voice that came out of her mouth to be small—weak—mirroring exactly how she felt on the inside. "Hastings...when I was chained to the ceiling...And I was...I couldn't..." she frowned and wiped at the tears at her eyes.

"Did he..." Will couldn't bring himself to finish the rest of the sentence as the severity of the situation was thrust to the forefront. He could feel his chest tighten.

"No," she looked down and shook her head. "...But he would have if Matt hadn't given him his code. If he hadn't..." Her shoulders slumped as she wiped the remaining tears from her face.

...

There should have been...relief. He should have been elated, beyond grateful to the powers that be, that the elephant in the room had been addressed and that nothing had actually happened; that JJ hadn't been...He should have been...but he wasn't.

Exhaling slowly, Will steadied his nerves in preparation of asking the one question that still remained.

"Why?...Why didn't you tell me?" The words seemed to come out of his mouth more and more as of late, and it ate at him. The fact that she didn't trust him enough to lower her walls—to allow him to help her the best that he could; the fact that she continued to keep things from him.

The blonde raised her head and took in her husband's appearance. She could see the hurt peeking through his exterior. She bit her lip.

"Because there was nothing to tell. Nothing happened Will. He just-he just...touched me," her eyebrows furrowed. "...But when you touched me..." her eyes closed and she swallowed. "It was him...I felt him."

JJ opened her eyes once more and ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "Now all I want to go do is wash him off...wash everywhere he touched me," she gave a short, self-deprecating laugh.

"And I know he's not here, and it's all in my head, but..." She bit her thumbnail and looked away. "I know...but I can't...I still need to get him off," her hand moved to her side and rubbed heavily, leaving a red mark in its place.

Will's breath caught in his throat as soon as he saw her body tense—struggling to resist the angry, frustrated sobs that wanted to escape, and his heart became heavy. He had to get to her. Somehow. Someway, he had to let her know—she had to know—that she wasn't alone in this...She wouldn't be.

Carefully grabbing both of her hands, Will brought them close to his face and slightly lowered his head. "Hey," the whispered interjection caught his wife's attention, and her cloudy eyes locked with his. "I'm right here...I'm not goin' anywhere, okay?...Let me help Cher...Don't-don't shut me out."

_I'm right here._

_...I'm not going anywhere. _

The message played in her mind, again and again. Each time the words having dug just a little bit deeper. Before finally, they actually started to take root.

...She wasn't going to lose him. She wasn't going to scare him away, regardless of how dark things got.

Deep down, she already knew. She just had to be reminded, and his words served as affirmation and provided the push that she so desperately needed to try—to try and let him in. To try and allow him to take some of the weight that she had been holding. She knew it wouldn't be easy, and she would inevitably need to be reminded again, but she would try...for him.

Will was momentarily taken back as her hands moved to clasp around his neck.

"...Okay," her hitched response met his ears, and he could feel her body tremble as she pulled him close. He replayed her proclamation over to himself as he carefully went to lay them down on the bed.

Lying there, it was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders the moment he realized that her mask had been taken off completely, and for once, JJ allowed herself to openly cry—for herself and for what happened—into his chest.

Will ran his hand up and down her back in a soothing manner, letting her know in his own little way that he was there for her. Letting her know that it was going to be okay; that they...they were going to be okay.


	12. Can't Be Ignored

_Thank you so very much for all of the reviews. They have truly been an encouragement. As for the question regarding Emily, she may pop up from time to time. I have to say though that **the time**_ _has not yet arrived._

* * *

"JJ"

"...No."

"JJ, please!"

"No," the blonde profiler shook her head as she shot down the emphatic request once more, a small smirk tugging at her lips.

"But I know someone."

"Pen"

"But I-but I have connections."

"Pen," JJ snorted at her bubbly friend's persistence and placed both of her hands on her shoulders. She leaned forward to look into her eyes for added emphasis. "I don't...doubt that in the least bit, but the answer's still no," she grinned and patted the technical analyst on the back.

"Oh, and the mommy voice rears its ugly head," Derek interrupted the ladies' conversation and moved to sit across from Garcia at the break room table. "What she icing you out on this time Baby Girl?" He gave a playful nod.

JJ leaned back in her chair with a look of amusement and sighed. It was about to get real.

"Well my beautiful chocolate delight, I was just reminding our sweet JJ here of my sworn duty as Henry's godmother," the technical analyst could see the blonde shaking her head at her ever so slightly. "Seeing as how Halloween is quickly approaching, I believe it falls within _my_ rights to be able to spoil him with a costume worthy of the occasion."

"Okay...what's so wrong with that?" Morgan flashed his trademark smirk in JJ's direction. "That seems pretty reasonable, don't you think?"

"No, not the price," she cut her eyes at him before reaching for her cup of coffee and taking a sip.

"Really?" Garcia's voice rose in child-like protest.

"It's crazy to spend that kind of money on one costume for ONE night," JJ sat her coffee down on the table and moved her hand reflexively to her temple.

"Come on!"

"And I already agreed to the birthday present that you _very much_ insisted on getting him, which he doesn't need, _by the way_, so no. He doesn't need an authentic Iron Man costume too." The technical analyst's whine out-powered Derek's chuckle.

"Fine...fine," Garcia eventually raised her hands up in surrender and closed her lips, working hard to resist the smile that could have easily given her away. _There's always Christmas_.

"Thank you," JJ nodded as she went to acknowledge her friend's defeat. "I'm just going to find him a Spiderman costume. That was _one_ of the options."

"OH, but you better look for one that has web shooters—not just a mask," the technical analyst pointed a finger at her in marked excitement.

"What about a mask?" Reid's voice met their ears as he strolled towards them with his hands in his pockets.

"I'm going to go find Henry a Spiderman costume for Halloween," JJ turned her head in his direction. "...And I'll make sure to look for one that has web shooters too...not just a mask," she huffed at her decided compromise and looked to see Garcia with a huge grin on her face.

"It's interesting. Did you know the origin of the mask actually dates back to the time of the ancient Celtics?" Morgan raised an eyebrow at the doctor as he pulled up a chair and sat down beside him at the table, never once breaking word speed. "It served a rather dark purpose. The Celtic people believed that as the summer season came to an end, and when time transitioned into the cold and dark of winter, that spirits from the afterlife could pass into this realm and wreak havoc. As a means of protection, the people decided to hold the festival of Samhain and wore costumes, with masks, in hopes of scaring the evil spirits away."

"Well, happy...Halloween?" Penelope's eyes grew wide at the encyclopedic reference. The sound of her uncomfortable laughter quickly faded into the background as JJ began to mull over Spencer's words. Somewhere in the midst of his informational overload, something he said didn't exactly settle, and it was beginning to slowly work its way past the outer edges of her mind.

Her heart rate started to increase.

Feeling the sudden impulse to move, but still needing to keep a casual composure around the group of analysts, the blonde took another sip of coffee before rising to her feet as smoothly as possible. "Well...back to the grind. Reports don't exactly write themselves," she smiled.

"Wish they would," Morgan expressed aloud.

"Think we all do," JJ smirked as she agreed with the statement. "Well, no...maybe not Spence...He kind of lives for it," she ran her hand playfully through his hair before turning to make her way back to her desk—drink clutched in hand.

Hearing her friends' continued banter as she departed, JJ concluded that all was still well—that she was in the clear—and she allowed herself to return to Reid's lengthy monologue as she walked.

With each step that she took, his words seemed to resonate within, and they effectively began to break down barriers that protected the inner recesses of her mind. Every stride that was taken drew her closer and closer to an infallible truth. But what was it? Her brow furrowed at...

"Hey JJ," her rumination abruptly came to an end as she met Kate heading in her direction—empty coffee cup in hand.

"Hey," the blonde replied nonchalantly and smiled.

"Back from round two?" Her coworker asked as they came in closer proximity.

"It was well needed."

"I feel you. I think my eyes were actually starting to cross at some point."

"Been there; done that," JJ chuckled at the comment. "Do what you have to do," she raised her coffee up in playful toast.

"Hear hear," Kate lightly patted her on the shoulder and grinned, feeling inspired to continue on towards her own intended refill. JJ watched as the brunette rounded the corner before starting back on course.

_Do what you have to do_, she thought to herself as she effectively drained the remainder of her coffee and placed her musings on hold. Her desk was in sight, and there was work to be done.

* * *

"So what are your plans for this evening?" Rossi asked casually as he and JJ walked off of the elevator together and headed towards the exit.

"I'm going to spend the night home with the boys," the blonde smiled at the thought. "I was going to go find Henry a Spiderman costume, but Reid insisted on joining me. You know, so he can help find one that's an accurate portrayal of what's in the classic comics," she paused and shook her head at what just came out of her mouth. "His words, not mine," she clarified.

"Uh-huh," her coworker nodded his head slowly. "And what's the doctor doing then?"

"I think he mentioned something about going to the theater. Some Star Wars marathon that's playing."

"That would seem about right," Rossi chuckled at the comment.

"Yeah, that's about right," JJ snorted in agreement. "What about you? Going to find wife number 4?" She smirked as they neared the door.

"Ha-ha. _Very_ funny, but_ no_. I was actually planning on spending my evening writing. I haven't found time to properly do so in a while."

"Well, you have fun with that."

"Thanks. I will," he opened the door, allowing her to exit first.

"Man," the blonde profiler was caught off guard by the gust of crisp autumn air. "Wasn't expecting that one," she laughed and sucked in a breath, putting her hands in her pockets. "It's just the second week in October," she felt something pick at her brain following the remark.

"I believe the low's supposed to be 41 tonight," Rossi followed suit and placed both of his hands in his jacket pockets.

"Well that's good to know."

"Isn't it though," he fired sarcastically. "Well, see you tomorrow," he nodded goodbye as the two of them began to head in opposite directions in the parking lot.

"Night," JJ parted and walked briskly towards her vehicle, all the while taking in the golden sunset in the background. The sun was already setting—at 5:30. Her brow furrowed at the observation. At what she could feel was hanging just out of her reach of comprehension.

Making it to her car, the blonde took in another breath as she reacted to the coolness of her leather seat. She frowned as she cranked the engine and moved her hand to adjust the temperature. It was 52 degrees outside.

_What is it? _JJ paused as her neural pathways worked furiously to try and connect the dots that were scattered in front of her. She bit her lip as she buckled up her seat belt and put the vehicle into drive to head for home.

As soon as she had made it out onto the open road, the blonde felt her mind start to drift, and it eventually wandered to the conversation that she had had earlier that day. The one that she had put off and placed on the backburner.

Traffic began to fade into the background as Reid's words rang in her ears.

...

_...Did you know the origin of the mask actually dates back to the time of the ancient Celtics? It served a rather dark purpose._

...

_...The Celtic people believed that as the summer season came to an end..._

...

_...And when time transitioned into the cold and dark of winter... _

...

_...That spirits..._JJ bit her thumbnail at the heaviness that was forming in the pit of her stomach.

...

_...That spirits from the afterlife could pass into this realm and wreak havoc..._

_..._

_..._

_Cold _

...

_Dark_

...

_Winter_

...

_Spirits_

...

...

_Spirits_

_..._

...

...

_Spir_—_HASTINGS_

"Wha," the blonde's eyes grew wide at the realization. The road quickly came back into the forefront as she abruptly slammed on her brakes and pulled over onto the side of the road—ignoring the honking of the vehicle in passing.

Shifting into park and jerking her seatbelt away, JJ squeezed the steering wheel with both hands and forced in deep breaths. "Wha," she looked down and swallowed, her chest rapidly heaving. "Wha..." What was she going to do?

_Really...what can I do? _She thought bitterly, after a moment.

It...it was going to happen—regardless. There wasn't anything that she could possibly do to stop it.

JJ knew, deep down, that she had been putting this off—truly thinking about it...talking about it. But it couldn't be ignored anymore. It couldn't be placed on a backburner.

Releasing her death grip on the steering wheel, the blonde took in one more breath before somberly fastening her seat belt and shifting into drive to go home. _It can't be ignored; _her heart twisted painfully at the thought.

* * *

Pulling up into the driveway, JJ cut off the engine and momentarily leaned her head back against the headrest. She frowned as she looked through the windshield at what was now the night sky.

Unbuckling her seat belt, the blonde licked her lips and slowly gathered up her belongings before making the trudge to the door.

"Hey," she decidedly kept with her typical greeting as her feet carried her inside and she closed the door behind her. She could see Will at the stove with his back turned.

"Hey. Supper's almost ready. Chili's been simmerin' for a while now."

"Smells good," JJ replied softly as she took off her jacket and threw it haphazardly onto the back of the chair. She rubbed her hands across her arms for warmth—comfort.

"Tastes good too," Will quipped and stirred the pot. "How was your day?"

"It was okay," she replied automatically despite the aching in her chest. "How was yours?" She cleared her throat quietly to prevent a cry from escaping.

"Not too bad. Got off early. Took Henry to the park. All in all, it was a win-win," Will smiled and turned around. His smile quickly transformed into a look of concern as he caught the flash in her eyes.

"What happened?" He absentmindedly dropped the spoon onto the countertop and moved in her direction, wiping his hands on his jeans.

"...It's nothing," JJ shook her head and mentally kicked herself as soon as the guarded response left her lips. She had promised herself that she would do better. That she would let him in.

Pushing a mental reset button, she swallowed and tried again.

"I'm just...it's just...," the blonde stumbled in her attempt to explain, and she ran her fingers through her hair—avoiding eye contact. "Mommy-mommy. Guess what?" She could hear Henry stampeding in their direction, and she struggled to visibly hold it together.

"Cher?" Will knew that he needed to make the most of their time together and inched closer, rubbing his hands over her arms for encouragement. He could see her leg shaking.

"...I'm cold," she looked at him and somehow found the courage to whisper the thought aloud. "It's getting cold." The two stood frozen in that moment; staring at each other at the implication—at the thing they both willfully chose to ignore. Winter was coming.


	13. It's Only Fair

"JJ, will you just...calm down?" Will could see his wife frantically pacing about their half-cleaned living room floor.

"Will"

"It's not a big deal."

"It's _not_ a big deal?"

"No"

"Are we...are we_ seeing _the same thing here?" JJ moved her hands emphatically to the side.

"It looks like our house to me."

"It's a freakin' disaster," the blonde muttered to herself, absent-mindedly pushing a strand of hair out of the way.

"JJ," Will observed a million thoughts racing through her mind all at once. "It's gonna be okay," he inched closer in her direction, sensing that the matter may have gone beyond just the simple, spur of the moment visit from her mother. "What's goin' on?" He cautiously grabbed her hands in his.

JJ stilled at the intimate contact, taking the time to mull over the real heart of the matter. She frowned.

"...She can't know."

"She can't know?"

"No—she can't. I don't want her to walk inside and realize—and-and _know_—that something's wrong," JJ unconsciously pulled her hands away.

"And she's gonna know all that, just by lookin' at our house?"

"Yes." It was an understatement to say that his wife had become a little tense and was easier to set off during the four weeks following her difficult, but necessary, acknowledgement of the truth.

JJ took note of her husband's grounding, blue eyes. "...No," she shook her head and sighed; her shoulders slumped forward as she came to recognize the _slightly_ irrational thought.

"Sandy's not gonna know. She's seen our house before...in worse conditions," Will smirked in attempt to lighten the mood. "But if it'll make you feel better, it'll be clean when she comes, okay?"

"...Okay," the gentle response brought a smile to his face, and he pulled JJ in for a soft, re-assuring kiss. "So what do I need to do? Just name it," he slowly released the hold of her waist, noticing how the rampant thoughts were present once more.

"Just pick up Henry from the Davis' and keep him occupied." While it was a kind gesture (and normally, she would have very much appreciated his help), JJ didn't want to irritate Will by going over things that he had already completed. Things...they had to be perfect.

"Done," the look on her husband's face indicated that he could read her thoughts. "If you need anything though..."

"...I will," she nodded her head in promise and gave him a thin smile, watching as he headed towards the kitchen to leave.

_Okay_, her mind kicked into overdrive as soon as she heard the door close behind him. _Where to begin?_ JJ chewed her lip and struggled against the overwhelming urge to panic. The question and subsequent response were interrupted by the shrill of her ringtone—the one that indicated a co-worker was calling.

"Not now," the blonde mumbled as she went to pull her phone out of her back pocket.

"Jaraeu," she responded flatly.

"So one of those days, huh?" JJ quickly registered a voice that wasn't Hotch's or Garcia's.

"Shit! Emily!" (She had forgotten all about their scheduled game night.)

"_Okay, _so...not one of the greetings that I'm typically accustomed to, but uhm...I'm still willing to go with it," JJ heard the brunette's throaty laughter in her ears. "...Hey?"

The blonde shook her head in that moment and sighed apologetically. "Sorry Em," she ran her hand across her face and moved to sit on a visible portion of her couch.

"No—it's...it's all good. It _really_ needn't apology. A flustered JJ's _always_ a good thing," the brunette bit her lip and stifled a laugh—comfortably leaning back against the headrest to her bed.

"Really Em?"

"_What_?" (She was definitely in rare form at 11:00 p.m.)

"..."

"...Okay—fine," the brunette's tone fell flat as she decidedly took off her gloves in surrender at the mommy glare she felt was radiating from across seas. "I'm serious now," she sighed and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "What's got you so hot and bothered?"

"My mother," JJ voiced without thinking. She caught her mistake instantly and moved her hand reflexively to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Shut up," her eyes closed momentarily.

"_What_? I didn't say a word."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I heard you loud and clear." The blonde was all too familiar with her friend's sometimes juvenile mindset; it took one to know one.

"Well that's kind of scary," Emily grinned at the comment.

"Yeah, tell me about it," JJ snorted—feeling herself relax a little bit from the familiar comfort that Emily exuded. The brunette could hear her sigh.

"So Sandy, huh? What did she do?"

"Well, uh, my mother has _just _informed me of her intent of coming here and staying for a few days."

"...Okay?..._And_?"

"Em, we _just_ got back from a case not too long ago, and the house is...well, you've seen it," the blonde wrinkled her nose at the sight that was before her.

"...Yeah," Emily's voice rose as the mental image popped into her mind. There was no judgment though—only love.

"When is she arriving?"

"Tomorrow."

"Shit."

"My thought exactly."

"Well, do you need me to go? I mean—we can always reschedule."

"No," JJ shook her head in interjection. "No, it's-it's all good...Now I definitely don't have time to play a bajillion rounds of Scrabble and all but"

"Uh...JJ?"

"What?"

"A bajillion?" Emily raised an eyebrow in amusement.

The blonde felt her lips curl up into a genuine smile. "It's Henry's new favorite expression—he picked it up at school," she heard a snort on the other end. "After hearing it so much, I guess it's kind of stuck."

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, and I want you to know that he's still been playing with his British soldiers that you gave him for his birthday—pretty much non-stop; which, I stepped on a bayonet as I was cleaning just a while ago and it hurt like a mother. So, uh, thanks again," she huffed.

"You're welcome," the brunette smiled at the thought of her friend hobbling about like a mad woman. "It's good to know that they're still fulfilling their duty in holding down the fort—you know, keeping the peace," she chuckled.

"Em...that was awful," JJ shook her head at the bad joke. Although she didn't look the part, Emily could definitely be a nerd.

"Then why are you laughing?" The blonde's chuckling died as soon as the seemingly innocent question was posed. She bit her lip and carefully considered her next response.

"...Because I needed this."

"Everything else okay?" Emily's brow wrinkled as she noticed the subtle change in tone. She sat up in bed.

"Yeah-yeah," JJ was quick in giving her reassurance. "Everything's just been..." her voice caught in her throat as she came face to face with the sudden thought: did she want to do it? Did she want to bare her soul over the line and finally tell?

In all of the previous conversations that they'd had, the thought hadn't once crossed her mind; there hadn't been an impulse to confess because she had somehow been managing (with her husband's love and support—of course). But with everything that had been going on—with it getting closer and closer to the anniversary date of when she was first captured—things were honestly getting harder (even with Will's listening ears).

Did she really want to fill Emily in on her current situation? About her recent panic attack over the weather? About how she'd been on an emotional rollercoaster ride ever since acknowledging the fact that winter was coming. And how she was more on edge than ever before and was moodier than the time she was a raging, hormonal, pregnant mess with Henry.

About...about how she could swear she could feel Askari's and Hastings' spirits waiting just around the corner to "enter into this realm" and "wreak havoc" on her.

JJ's brow furrowed in contemplation. Her heart pounded wildly.

Did she really want to tell her about—about her struggles in dealing?

She had been dealing. _Well_, she had been dealing with _some_ of her thoughts and feelings; the things that she had finally allowed herself to confess to Will in the comfort and solitude of their bedroom at night. But there were still some things—unspeakable things—that she decidedly kept to herself. Things that she knew the brunette would be able to understand and relate to on a deep, personal level.

Did she really want to tell Emily about the things located in the dark crevices of her mind that she was actively struggling against—the things that she was too ashamed to tell Will? The things that she dared not think of for too long because if she did, they held the power to bring her to her very knees.

The blood on her hands that she couldn't seem to get off, for instance. Nadia—the woman that had consequently gotten killed during her information hunt while in the Middle East. The baby...the baby that she never got to...

_No_, JJ grimaced at the sharp pain in her chest, knowing the answer to her question right then and there.

She...she couldn't do it—she couldn't tell (not Emily, nor anyone else for that matter). No, with all of the blood on her hands, she didn't deserve the right; she shouldn't even wish for the opportunity to bare her soul in hopes of receiving sympathy and help in dealing. Her punishment, it was just. And she should be forced to carry her remaining burdens alone. _It's only fair_.

"Cool," JJ jutted her jaw as she attempted to throw some dark humor into the mix. If she didn't try and make light of the situation in that moment, it could have very well swallowed her whole. "Everything's just been a little hectic...that's all. What about you?" She chewed her thumbnail while agonizing over the next response.

"...Everything's good on my front; the usual," the brunette leaned back in bed as the little tug dispelled.

The blonde looked down and released a quiet breath upon hearing the response, knowing very well that she had been fortunate in diverting her friend's attention. _It's only fair_, she thought sullenly as she remained on the couch; listening as Emily seamlessly moved their conversation further and further way from her one opportunity.


	14. Would've Been

"So...?" JJ's lips curled up into a warm, relaxed smile as she sat on the floor and took note of Henry's contemplative expression. She chuckled at the slight wrinkle in his brow as he carefully considered all of the options scattered before him.

"...This one," his voice rose with excitement as he chose the Thomas the Train ornament and brought it to her.

"I like it-I like it _a lot_," JJ supported his decision in a fake, British accent, sending both of them into a fit of laughter.

"Let's see," she used her fingernails to open the box and removed the ornament from the inside, plastic covering. "Here ya go, little man," she slowly handed it to him, careful of the hook attached at the top. "Where's it going to go?"

"Hmmm..." The blonde watched as her son circled the tree, searching for the perfect spot. "Right...here!" He placed the train on a limb closer towards the bottom (JJ had encouraged him earlier to scatter the ornaments around instead of placing them all in one spot). "Who's it from?" He asked, stepping back to eye his good work.

"It's from Grandma," JJ placed the covering back inside and closed the box, sitting it within the bin that contained all of the other empty boxes.

"Did you ask her?" His baby blues immediately found hers.

"Did I ask her what?" She bit back a mischievous smile.

"About the cookies," the look on his face was one of utter disbelief; how could she have forgotten about his_ ONE _request (well, one of his requests) for when they visited next week? It was super important.

"..."

"Mommy!"

"Yes, yes I did," she shook her head playfully and laughed. "And I bet she'll make a big batch _just_ for you."

A huge grin spread on his face at the thought. "I'll share with you Mommy," JJ's heart swelled at her son's sincerity (and the fact that he was_ totally_ a momma's boy—not to rub it in though).

"I know you will," she flashed him a smile and glanced at the unopened boxes that still remained on the floor. "...Okay, so, which one's next?" She drew his attention back to the task at hand.

Henry returned to the rather large pile. For being six, he had quite a compilation of Christmas ornaments—mainly because he had grandparents, godparents, and his adopted Aunt Emmy who loved to spoil him so.

"I want...this one," he went to pick up a small, red striped box. JJ recognized it immediately.

"_Oh_, I like this one."

"But I thought you liked all of them?"

"I do," she clarified. "But this one's extra special," her blue eyes twinkled as he moved towards her.

"Why?" Henry stood still and watched as his mother took the box from his hands and removed the lid, revealing a snowman shaped ornament with a picture on it—a picture of their family (just the three of them) taken shortly after his first birthday.

"Your daddy...your daddy and I got you this when you were _one_ year-old."

"When I was one?"

"Yeah buddy, when you were one," her heart warmed at the thought. It had been an exciting yet equally terrifying year full of firsts; she wouldn't have traded any of it for the world.

"I was real little," Henry exclaimed as he took the ornament from her hand and walked, not ran, to the tree (he had to be extra careful because it was so special).

"Mommy"

"Yeah, little man," JJ finished placing the box back in the bin and turned around.

"He would've been one, wouldn't he?" He asked nonchalantly, hanging the snowman on a perfectly sized branch.

"Who, baby?" JJ's head cocked curiously to the side. She smiled and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. The smile disappeared as she caught a hint of sadness on her son's face, his eyes never once leaving the ornament.

"My brother..."

* * *

The blonde's eyes quickly snapped open, her vision slowly adjusting to the darkness that surrounded her.

_It was just a dream,_ JJ attempted to calm herself, sucking in a quiet breath as the light emitted from the outside parking light illuminated through the blinds and revealed the nightstand to her side. _It was just a dream, _she swallowed and unconsciously took another shaky breath—noting how her heart continued to pound violently within her chest after waking—the remnant of the nightmare still lingering in her mind...in her heart.

The painful truth behind her dream—the real meaning of it all (the loss of her child before it ever got the chance to live and to experience life, and all of its many joys, to the fullest)—started weighing her down; started to claw at her tortured soul—so much so that it began to effectively steal the very air from her lungs. And she couldn't breathe...it hurt too much. _God, it hurt so much._

Coming to sense Will's comforting arms wrapped securely around her waist, feeling the short puffs of breath on the back of her neck that indicated his ever present closeness and support, the blonde knew in that moment that she had to get away. She didn't deserve such level of comfort from him (even in his sleep). No, not with everything that had happened. It was...it was all her fault.

Gently extricating herself from her husband's loving hold, JJ quickly moved herself from off the bed and stealthily toed towards the living room.

Quietly shutting the bedroom door behind her, effectively putting enough distance between the two of them, JJ found herself momentarily frozen in place as she turned around—her eyes focused, straining, on the eerily outline before her; the Christmas tree that had somehow managed to rip through her subconscious and brought to the surface one of the devastating truths that she had been fighting tooth and nail to suppress.

From the soft glow of the living room nightlight, the blonde's chin could be seen quivering ever so slightly as her feet had magically become unfrozen from their place; and her legs carried her closer and closer to the graven image.

A soft sniffle could be heard the moment her hand, suddenly with a mind of its own, had lifted. And a hitched breath resounded as the pad of her thumb moved across the textured surface of the small light switch.

In one, swift click, circuits were immediately connected and the lights on the Christmas tree were brought to life, bringing forth a warm, colorful glow; the cheerful illumination seeming so out of place as it shown on JJ's melancholic face.

Swallowing thickly, the blonde's hand fell lifelessly to her side and her chest began to heave.

Quickly losing the battle waged within, feeling her whole body start to tremble, JJ willed her unsteady feet to move towards the couch before her legs decided to give out entirely.

_It's all my fault_, a single, despondent tear rolled down her face as she made it onto the couch and brought her knees up to her chest—hugging the throw pillow with all of her might. _He...he would've..._Tears started to roll down in a steady, salty stream, and she lowered her head—using the pillow to cover her mouth and to muffle the excruciating, all-encompassing sob that wanted to escape past her ever-narrowing throat.

"_God_," she reflexively choked out between the strong, lurching movements of her chest, struggling to keep her cries silent as a sudden realization shook her to the very core.

She...she now understood what it meant—the look; the one that she so vividly recalled seeing as a little girl at Christmas. The look that she caught as she peeked around the corner and saw her mother during what was supposed to be a moment of privacy—standing, arms folded, at the kitchen window with an expression of absolute heartbreak on her once happy face. How? How could she have been so full of joy and laughing one moment, with all of the family, and be on the verge of tears the next?

JJ now knew. She now _understood _what it meant...what it was all about. Rosie—she...she should've been there. She should've stayed up late as the Christmas story was read aloud to everyone by the fireplace. She should've woken up to a tree littered with presents wrapped in decorative ribbons and bows. Her half-teasing, half-serious complaints should've been heard as the family still had to eat their annual Christmas breakfast before ever opening a single present. And her laugh, her smile, they should've...

JJ now knew the look for what it was; she knew it all too well and could specifically call it by name.

He...he would've been one. He would've been...old enough to sit up by himself—clumsily falling over as he tried to lean and touch the colorful lights on the tree that he had been so enamored with. He would've been carted around, little brother style, in matching pajamas with Henry. And...and he would've been read the Christmas story, his precious, little fingers now able to help turn the pages.

...He would've been—_should've been_—but he wasn't...

How? How could her mother have moved past this...The loss of her child—of...of Rosie? From the memory, JJ recalled seeing the look of resolve as Sandy had stepped away from the window—wiping her eyes and smoothing down her hair before moseying back to the others with a smile repositioned on her face.

Truthfully, the blonde knew that she didn't have to look very far—didn't have to go a long ways away—to find the answer; just as it had been in the case of her mother, she knew that the answer to her question resided in just the other room.

Henry...he couldn't see her like this—couldn't see her break down like this. No, he needed her, and JJ ascertained that she would do her best to be an ever-constant, steady figure in his life.

But just this once, _just this once _under the precedent of illuminated solitude, the blonde would allow herself the opportunity to cry (just as her mother had done) for what would've been—for what should've been.

_He would've been one, _the guilt-laden tears continued to fall.

* * *

_So everything that's happened in my story, thus far, has just been my interpretation of events that could have led up to the Forever People (how it all started out and why JJ decided to act the way that she did-for example: why she got into an argument with her mother or why she chose to suppress everything for so long)._

_As __of now, I have one or two more chapters before I start to go into the Forever People and subsequent events. It's there that I may veer a little bit from the actual storyline of the show. __I do promise there is a silver lining, and a specific case will__ bring everything to a head._

_Once again, thank you so very much for all of the gracious comments and suggestions. I'm definately drawing from them. Hope you enjoyed!_


	15. Unraveled At The Seams

"How did you ever get me to agree to this?" JJ shook her head slightly, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"What? You tryin' to discredit my southern charm?" Will leaned closer to her from across the booth and smirked, taking a sip of his beer.

"Maybe," the blonde's lips ghosted up into a faint smile and she followed suit, bringing her own amber colored draft to her lips.

"Well, I mean, I did get you to marry me so...that counts for somethin'."

"True," JJ sat her glass back down on the table, running her thumbs along the cool condensation. Will could see her rather guarded posture.

"Could also be a culture thing," he watched as his statement struck its intended chord, and his wife responded that time with a genuine smile—the movement actually reaching up to her eyes—as he paid homage to one of their first encounters.

His heart clenched at the sight, as he came to realize just how much he missed seeing it—her smile; her being genuinely (not seemingly) at ease. Truthfully, he hadn't really seen it in a while, apart from her times spent with Henry. Every other instance was just the product of a well-placed mask. And while it did its job, it fulfilled its intended purpose in fooling others, Will could see right through the façade.

He knew that with everything that was going on, with it getting closer and closer to January (to the anniversary date of when she was first captured), he knew that JJ was struggling—not that she would openly admit it; not that they actually spoke about it (not even after her recent episodes because she would always end up shutting down, and he never pushed her to disclose more than she was willing), but he knew.

So with that being said, the real reason for their planned evening out wasn't simply because they were taking advantage of the baby-sitter's somewhat surprising offer. No, truthfully, maybe somewhat selfishly, Will went in thinking that the night could be spent being about just the two of them; that it could be a time where they were out together as just another, normal couple—doing normal couple things. Things like...spending the final hours of the year with the one that you loved, holding them close in arm, and kissing them (with promises unspoken) into the New Year; that for one night—just_ one night_—that they could forget about everything. They could forget about all of the pain, and the struggles, and the tears and just...and just be.

"Band's pretty good tonight," Will commented casually, taking another sip of his beer.

"Yeah, CJ picked a good one," JJ continued to run her thumbs along the surface of her glass, eyeing the rather crowded dance floor with equal parts hesitancy and longing.

"...You want to?" Will followed her line of vision out onto the dance floor and watched as a nearby couple turned to leave.

"What?" Her blue eyes cut quickly to his.

"You wanna dance? There's an open spot," he nodded in the general direction, never once breaking eye contact; his insides brimming with unspoken hope.

"I don't...I don't know," uncertainty colored her voice.

"I mean, we don't have to; I just...I didn't know."

JJ paused, biting the inside of her cheek; noting that just how underneath her husband's stated indifference was a flash of disappointment—she saw it in his eyes.

She—she was no doubt hesitant in them coming here tonight; she didn't know if it was the best idea, considering. But it...it wasn't...it wasn't that she didn't want to spend time with Will—that she didn't want to be with him. That wasn't it; it wasn't the case at all. No, just like everything else that had already happened, the real issue—the_ true _heart of the matter—was her; it always was...She...she was starting to distrust herself—distrust in knowing what she would do.

With the days drawing closer, emotions were honestly running at an all-time high, and with it, it now seemed as if every sight, every smell, every sound was just another fuse—another trigger—waiting to happen (waiting to be pulled to set off an internal explosion). Truthfully, she had lost count of how many times she had apologized to Will over the past few days—seeing as how he was the only one that was aware of her predicament and received the brunt end of her blows.

But even with everything that she had put him through—all of her moodiness, her episodes, all of the messy, uncomfortable aftermath—he never stopped. He never stopped in talking her through; never stopped in holding her close. But why?

He...he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it. No, he deserved _so_ much. _So much more_ than what she was currently capable of giving—so much more than the person she knew that she had become; a person that was struggling to even hold it together; a person that was slowly...coming unraveled at the seams.

She had questioned many a time if things would ever start to get better—if she would ever start to feel okay again; if she would ever start to feel...normal.

So far, the answer was no on all accounts. No...She wasn't okay. And these days, she felt so far from normal that it wasn't even funny.

But with seeing the quick flash of longing in her husband's eyes, JJ knew that she couldn't give up in trying—trying to hold on to what little pieces of normalcy that she could; trying to continue to claw her way to being okay again.

"Yes," she nodded her head slowly and acquiesced.

"Yes?"

"Yes...I want to dance," her lips pulled up into a small smile and she swallowed.

"Okay," her look was reciprocated, and she felt as Will gingerly interlocked their fingers together and led them from the booth out onto the dance floor.

_Breathe_, JJ told herself, noting how her heart rate picked up as people were bumping into them from every single direction. _Just...breathe, _she slowly exhaled, relieved when the two of them had finally made it to their intended destination.

"Come here," all remaining thoughts were suddenly placed on hold as Will spoke into her ear, and he pulled her close—taking no time in beginning to lead them to the slow, rhythmic beat of the song. It wasn't long before the blonde had actually found herself starting to ease into his touch, relaxing her somewhat tense muscles, and she moved to wrap her arms around his neck.

Truly allowing herself the opportunity to take in the soulful words and movement of the song—to enjoy the delicious feel of her husband's hands positioned lowly around her waist—the crowded dance floor began to eventually dissolve into the background, and her defenses started to lower.

"I love you," she heard Will speak, over the sound of the band, and she felt as a gentle kiss was placed on the side of her neck.

Having his words wash over her as a balm, the blonde closed her eyes and placed her head on his shoulder, breathing in his comforting scent; lowering her guard the remainder of the way as she simply reveled in the sweetness of the moment—reveled in the small, precious piece of normalcy that she had once taken for granted.

Will felt his wife's hands wrap around him tighter in that instant, and she pulled him even closer to herself, pressing their foreheads one to one another. Shutting his own eyes as well, both found themselves just breathing in the mere intimacy of the moment up until the very end.

Hearing the clapping of the people around them signify that the song had ended, the two reluctantly began to pull apart.

"Thanks guys; glad that you're enjoying. We'll be back in five," a voice rang out over the speakers.

"Well, that was fun while it lasted," Will chuckled, still with his hands about his wife's waist.

"It was," JJ watched as some of the band members on stage had started to move from their positions. "They'll be back in five," she grinned and placed a chaste kiss to his lips.

"They will," Will caught on to the implication. "In the meantime, do you want to"

"JJ?" He said quickly with concern, seeing her jump in reaction. Upon taking their break, one of the band members on stage had unplugged their guitar; the distinct sound, the pop that cracked loudly over the speakers, very much resembled that of a...

"Will," the blonde gripped his shoulders tightly and visibly swallowed, working hard to control her breathing. However, as hard as she tried, her actions were failing miserably as the movements of her chest were becoming increasingly shallow.

"Cher," Will recognized the distinct look in her eyes; and an expression of panic was on her face (he knew that losing control in front of a large crowd was one of the things that they had discussed).

"Come on," JJ registered a tug on her hand and her legs somehow managed to follow suit. Sensing her husband leading them through the congested room, seeing the people that they were passing by begin to blur, the blonde blinked her eyes; trying her hardest to continue to focus her mind on the present—to try and stay grounded and not lose herself to the memories; to the dreadful anticipation; to the look of near gratification upon Askari's face as he drew out the inevitable for as long as seemingly possible.

She could begin to feel heat—could actually feel the marred scars on her abdomen start to burn, and she squeezed onto her husband's hand tighter—trying to get as much grounding contact as possible. She...she wasn't...

"JJ?" The blonde struggled as she attempted to take in a breath of...cold air? _Since when did Will grab their things. When did they get outside?_ JJ shook her head, feeling the tug on her hand stop as her legs stuttered to a halt just to the side of CJ's (thankfully) unpopulated front entrance.

"Breathe, Cher, come on; breathe," Will cautiously took a step in her direction, noting the rapid puffs of breath in the night air—evidence of her laborious breathing.

"I-I can'," JJ bent over slightly and gasped painfully aloud, gripping her knees tightly with both hands.

"It's just a flashback, darlin'...And...and although it may not feel like it right now, you're safe...He can't get you."

"He-he can'"

"No, he can't. You're not there," Will began to take her through the mantra. "Just breathe," he slowly bent down in front of her, lowering himself to eye level. "That's good, darlin'. Slow..."

"He can't...I'm not," the blonde swallowed, her shaky breathing starting to slow at the words—at the steady look in her husband's eyes.

"That's right...That's right," JJ's breaths were becoming longer—deeper—as she continued to focus in on the sound of his voice.

"That's good JJ; good breaths," Will noted her hands were beginning to relax. "That's good."

"Will," the blonde was able to eventually say evenly, despite the deep ache that still remained in her chest.

"...Hi," he spoke to her softly, looking at her with an unmistakable gaze.

"...Hi," she replied quietly, testing the waters and slowly raising herself back up. Seeing her husband do the same, the two stood still; each one staring at the other; each one waiting for the other to make the first move.

"...I'm sorry," JJ licked her chapped lips and finally conceded, her pained words visibly dissipating into the night air.

"It's okay," Will continued to give her his best face, but deep down she knew what it was...She knew it was just a front.

It...it wasn't okay. He wasn't okay, and...and she wasn't okay...They weren't okay and...and it was all his fault. Tivan. ASKARI. He was the one to blame. He was the one whose hand caused the physical and emotional scars that marred her once scar less body. He was the one that implemented the events that plagued her mind that evening. He was...he was the one that carried out the initial attack when she lost...

"JJ?" Her cloudy, blue eyes cut to his.

"Ready to go?" Will asked carefully, tearing her away from the broken reverie.

Fully anticipating the next response, he still waited for the slight nod of her head before taking the one last step to close the distance between them. Momentarily glancing down at his watch during the movement, he caught the time; it was 12:04.

"Happy New Year," he whispered softly into her ear; a sad smile upon his face as he pressed a light kiss to the top of her head. JJ's eyes closed at the contact—and at the sudden warmth that did nothing to truly warm the bitter cold in her soul as Will placed a heavy coat around her shoulders.

"...Happy New Year," she heard her voice crack in response, revealing yet another group of threads that were slowly coming undone.

Aware of the deep chill within her bones, the two started the short walk back from the front entrance to their car in silence.


	16. For The Longest Time

"JJ, what ar...Where are you goin'?" Will asked in question, his voice laden with gentle concern as he peeked around the corner and saw his wife standing, with her back turned, by the front door—putting on her heaviest coat.

With arms already through the sleeves, the blonde's fingers quickly paused at the small buttons at the front, and her head lowered in contemplation as she carefully considered her next words.

Standing, in what felt like lengthy silence, JJ licked her lips and released a soft sigh before finally being able to find her voice.

"Ther...there's something that I gotta do Will...Somewhere that I have to be," her brow momentarily knit together before smoothing out once again.

"Somewhere you have to be?" Will walked fully into the room and leaned back against a nearby wall.

"...Yes," JJ answered the question quietly before decisively turning her head; biting her lip, she just stood in anticipation of the inevitable shotgun of questions that she knew would be coming her way.

"...Right now?"

"Yes"

"In the middle of the night?"

"Yes...Will," JJ swallowed, never once breaking eye contact with the concerned baby-blues staring back at her.

"Do you need m-"

"No," the blonde shook her head quickly—her lips pressed in determination. Though instantly registering the unintentional harshness of her response, she bit the inside of her cheek, and her eyes closed in mental reset.

Taking a deep breath, her blue grays opened once more.

"'m sorry, Will," she whispered aloud—a sad smile tugging at her lips and her shoulders shrugging in genuine apology. "But...but I have to do this one on my own," she toed in his direction and stopped just in front of him—her hand rising up to touch his cheek.

"JJ...JJ, are you okay?"

* * *

_...Are you okay? _

The words, the heart wrenchingly loaded question, rang loudly in JJ's ears, each passing moment growing louder _and louder_ until it effectively began to muffle the loud crunch of gravel beneath her feet.

_Are you, JJ? Are you really? _

Over the past few days, the blonde had grown to detest the words—the question—more and more (even if her husband _had_ meant well).

_...Are you...a-...are y-...are you FUCKING OKAY? _

She hated it—LOATHED it. And...and she hated it so, with_ every fiber of her being_, because it...because it was a question that...that...

...

...It was a question that...questioned her current state of being...It was...a question that had consequently indicated that, at some point, she _had_ actually been okay and that she wasn't now (or, at least it was in question).

But the truth (if she were to be real honest with herself)...the truth was that she still wasn't—and she hadn't ever—_really_ been okay.

_...But am I supposed to be?_ JJ's teeth clenched together tightly at the words, and her brow furrowed; her lips pulled downward and set into a hard frown as the_ real_ question began to run through her mind and squeezed the very air from her lungs.

The blonde let out a soft whimper of frustration, in that moment, as she futilely attempted to ward off the incoming blast of hard, inescapable questions.

Wa-...was there a time frame for all of this—fo-...for being okay again? Scrutinizing the lives of her friends and co-workers around her, the horrors that they had all gone through, each of them had somehow managed to come back into the seam fairly quickly—functioning—living; somehow managing to thread themselves back together into what was a near, perfect whole once again.

_So why?_ Why hadn't she? Why was she still the way that she was—failing to...ever truly move forward? Wh-...why was she still tearing apart on the inside, now piece by bitter piece? Wa-...was she weaker than the rest of them? Was she even fit to...

_NO_, JJ unconsciously shook her head and blinked her eyes, not allowing herself the opportunity to finish the following thought; instead, intentionally placing her attention upon the narrow, winding path before her.

"Almost there," she whispered shakily to herself; her fingers squeezing harder onto the small, LED flashlight in her gloved hand.

She took another shaky breath. _"_Almost there," her legs soon came to a halt and her other hand rose up to slowly grip the cool, wrought iron of the rusted gate in front of her.

Squeezing onto one of the heavy bars of the door, JJ swallowed thickly and jutted her jaw; her gray eyes cutting to look up into the perfectly, cloudless night sky before decidedly willing her leaden arm to finally move and push it open.

Swallowing once again, JJ commanded her weighted legs to move as well; and her heart beat rapidly with each step that led her further and further inside.

Flashlight beaming along the scattered rows before her, the blonde's breath hitched slightly in her throat the moment a familiar, gray headstone came into view; and she fumbled, at the site; attempting to bring the lapels of her coat closer together with her one free hand.

Though unsuccessful at blocking the near-instant gust of frigid cold from seeping further and further into her already chilled bones, JJ just licked her chapped lips, still decisive in continuing along the hardened path; her soft puffs of breath quickly dispelling into the night air as her feet carried her closer and closer to her intended destination.

Heart beating—faster and faster and faster—within her chest. With each stride, hearing its pulse pounding loudly within her ears; it came to a still—e_verything _just...came to a still—with two simple words.

"...Hi Rosaline," JJ whispered softly, her feet stopping just in front of her sister's grave.

Swallowing thickly, the blonde's lips ghosted upward into a sad smile as she released the lapels of her coat and pulled out the short, single stemmed rose from her left, front pocket.

Carefully setting the delicate flower down upon the rounded gravestone before her, JJ slowly squatted then to eyelevel; her trembling hand placing her flashlight down onto the ground beside her before nervously running through her wind-blown hair.

...

Moving, to rest her forearms upon her knees, the blonde slowly opened her mouth to speak...but nothing seemed to come out.

...

Looking up into the night sky, a frown could be seen resonating upon her face in the pale moonlight, and she let out a soft sigh, shaking her head before looking forward once again.

"God...why is this so hard?" She let out a shaky laugh; her throat bobbing with emotions that welled up and threated to spill over at any given moment.

"I know that it's...been a while, Ros...S-since I've...since I've been here...since I've...even said you're name," her voice trembled, and she sniffled; her chin starting to wobble and her eyes welling.

"...And I'm sorry," she whispered aloud in utter shame, the tears beginning to roll down her face in a steady, chillful stream. "'m so sorry," she sniffled again, making no attempt at wiping the melancholic tracks from her eyes.

"Mom was right, you know...Go figure," JJ let out another shaky laugh and swallowed.

"I-I want you to know that I...that I told Henry...a-about you—bout us—and our promise...I told him that...while growing up, we would go outside and-and look up and...and just know...that we'd be looking up at the same moon—that we'd never be apart," her voice cut out halfway through.

"Well...I'm looking up now...And...and I need you..." her brows furrowed closer together and her lip quivered.

"WHY AREN"T YOU HERE?" JJ screamed, suddenly, at the top of her lungs, in complete and indescribable anguish; her hands clenched together tightly into fists and hitting the frozen ground beneath her.

Having fallen onto her knees, she gripped at the hardened ground, with her gloved hands, before finally moving to raise herself back up; sitting onto the backs of her legs and breathing heavily.

...

"Fo-for the longest time...I was...I...I didn't know why..." JJ licked her lips and swallowed, unconsciously rubbing her hands over her thighs.

"Bu I...I think...I think I know now," she looked down onto the ground in dejection and let out a gut wrenching sob.

"Ros...i-it hurts...God, it hurts," she gasped painfully aloud, running her hands unconsciously through her hair. "'m not okay, Ros...'m...'m not o-"

* * *

"JJ?" Will spoke in question; his voice laden with sleep as he peeked around the corner and saw his wife sitting, at the kitchen table, with her knees brought up to her chest—mug apparently in hand and staring straight ahead.

"...JJ?" He rubbed his eyes tiredly and walked slowly into the room, gravitating towards the side of the table; careful not to startle as he soon came to recognize the far-away look in her eyes that he'd seen more and more of over these past few days. Where exactly did she go, he never knew; she wouldn't tell.

"Hey," he said in gentle concern. "Hey...are you okay?"

_Are you okay? Are you okay?_ The soft tone of his voice drew JJ away from her agonized musing, and she blinked her gray eyes—her head turning slowly to meet his gaze.

"Yeah, I'm good," she bit the inside of her cheek and swallowed; her fingers squeezing tightly around the mug as she momentarily thought back to the plague of memories that had blasted through her subconscious. "I just...couldn't sleep...that's all—bad dream," she shrugged her shoulders and bit her lip.

Will silently nodded his head in acknowledgement and ran a hand over his face. "You comin' back to bed?" His heart clenched tightly with hope that they could finally talk about what had been haunting her waking.

"Yeah...yeah, I'll be there soon," JJ promised and gave him a small smile before bringing the now lukewarm tea to her lips. "I won't be long."

...

"...Okay," Will responded quietly, sadly, seeing as how his wife had had her mask back on display and had unsurprisingly decided to shut him out once again.

...

"...Okay," JJ whispered to herself, watching as her husband had padded towards their bedroom alone and closed the door quietly behind him.

...

With eyes drawn suddenly to the kitchen clock to the side, aware of its rhythmic tick in the now empty room, the blonde's brow furrowed.

...

...The mess of a dream...

...

...The memories...

...

With shaky hands, JJ sat her mug back down upon the table, and her lips pulled downward; her eyes closed shut as it _all_ began to replay vividly over in her mind.

...

Hand rising up to pinch the bridge of her nose, the blonde shook her head in that moment and she sighed.

She wasn't getting anymore sleep tonight.

...

_Dammit..._Her teeth (and heart) clenched at the reality of it all; she...she really needed to hit something.

* * *

_So I envisioned that the flashbacks/memories occured when JJ and her family went to go visit her mother at Christmas. I really hope that you liked it as well as my introduction to the Forever People. Here we go. _


	17. Not Here Not Now

_So, I know that it's been a while since my last post. I promise that I haven't given up on my story. Life just got a little hectic, but I'm back, and I hope that you still enjoy. _

_I know that I haven't really done this before, but I actually wrote this chapter to Rise Up by Andra Day. Maybe give it a try, while you read. _

* * *

_Breathe._

...

"G-"

...

"C-"

_..._

_C-come on...JJ; c-come on. _

_JJ...Come on._

...

...

_Dammit...dammit, JJ; jus...ju...just...FUCKING...BREATHE._

...

_..._

_Dammit, _JJ's jaw clenched together tightly, and her head hung low; her blue eyes slammed tightly shut as she struggled to move oxygen past the hardened lump in her throat.

She swallowed thickly.

_C-come on...Come on, _a quiet whimper escaped past her slightly trembling, chapped lips and she sniffled; her blurry blue eyes cracking open once again to slowly take in the sorry sight standing before her.

Lips turning downward at the nearly unrecognizable reflection staring back at her in the mirror, the blonde let out a shaky breath in that moment, and the backs of her hands moved frantically to push the loose hairs away from her reddened face before her shoulders ended up slumping in near, gut-wrenching defeat.

It was...it was just...too much...All of it.

JJ's arms dropped heavily to her sides before her hands unconsciously gravitated towards the edge of the bathroom counter, and they gripped—hard—in a prayerful, grounding plea; her knuckles turning bone-_shattering_ white under the centering hold as her mind uncontrollably did its best at attempting to process all of the day's fuckworthy events.

...The...the fucking _mess _of a nightmare—the muddle of memories past—that managed to rouse her from her slumber and continued to plague her _every waking_ moment...And...and the bitter truth behind the nightmare—the painful dose-swallow of reality—that brought with it the heavy breath-stealing, stomach clenching weight at her chest that couldn't be moved...couldn't be budged, no matter how hard that she tried...N-no matter how hard she struggled so in trying to push it down and ignore it.

...

...God, the...the fucking _ghost _of bastards past that managed to pass from the afterlife into the realm and seemed to hover and haunt at every single fucking corner that she turned.

_TIVAN, _JJ's brow furrowed deeply and she let out another shaky breath; her jaw clenched together tighter and her injured hand throbbed painfully under her tightened grip as her mind thought back to the fucking training session from hell where her perfect, pristine self-control all but shattered into a tiny, thousand little pieces right before her very eyes. Anger, the all-encompassing emotion that it is, somehow managed to erupt and pulsed _seamlessly_ throughout her veins. Quickly coloring her vision a deep, searing red; dampening every single sight and sound around her...Shading over all common sense and leaving in its wake a darkened and narrow tunnel that only led to one thing.

_TIVAN_, JJ winced suddenly, and her throat squeezed even tighter in reaction as she felt a sharp, phantom pain shoot straight through to her abdomen.

Body reacting quickly upon reflex, her hand had managed to loosen from its hardened grip of the bathroom counter and it moved in attempt to soothe her permanently marked side.

Softly wrapping her arm around her middle, JJ licked her chapped lips, and her head lowered as she focused on taking just a _single_, adequate breath; but it was of no use—it just...it didn't come—and her shoulders continued to heave in and out at a quickened pace, matching the pulse that could be felt racing throughout her blackened and blue veins.

...

...

..._No._

_No...Please; please, no. _

_Please, not here..._JJ's legs began to shake uncontrollably, and she turned unsteadily on her feet to lean her back up against the wall.

_I'm...'m not...'m not there, _she shook her head and swallowed hard, doing her best to push down the all too familiar, paralyzing feeling that was creeping up and settling deep within her belly.

Her blue eyes squinted in frantic concentration as she struggled to grasp onto the words of her mantra with all of her might.

_He..._

_H-he can't...He can't get me..._She mouthed the words in quiet succession and her shoulders heaved in and out at an even faster rate as panic ripped and tore at her chest.

"'He can't get me," she whispered aloud and unconsciously rubbed her hand across her flattened stomach; feeling the rough, puckered patch of skin hidden beneath the fabric of her thin, buttoned-up shirt.

...

God, why? Why did...why did everything have to lead back to this...T-to him?

...

The dream

...

The...her training session

...

The...the fucking_ case_ that they were working.

...

God, why? JJ attempted to lift her heavy head as she fought to keep the angry, grief-stricken tears at bay but...but the weight of it all, it just...it became _too much_ as images began to flash through her mind of the file and...and of the victims...and...and of the subtle but _ever-so present_ glances from her co-workers as they came to realize the saddened familiarity of their case.

...

...

_"_No," a faint whimper escaped past JJ's narrowed throat, and she felt the first tear roll down her face the same time that she felt her legs start to buckle beneath her.

Body sliding down towards the cool tiles of the bathroom floor, JJ eventually found herself in a deep, squatted position, and her head momentarily leaned back against the wall; her chest aching and her bones ever weary as another tear tumbled freely from her glossy eyes.

...

"G," a soft gasp escaped past her quivering lips the moment...the...the very moment that she thought back to the morgue and...and...

...

...

...God, she was...that was...

...

...

...It was her.

Although it-it wasn't actually her. No, her body wasn't _physically _lying there on the cool slab at the morgue, but it...it might as well have been.

God, she w...she was...she was _fucking_ dead.

Tivan...

He had ended up winning after all...Even from the _fucking _grave, he had accomplished his mission and managed to push and bend her violently...Bending her to the point of breaking; breaking her to the point of no return.

She w...she was just...she was just a...a shell; just a _semblance_ of the old life that she used to lead; her blackened soul now broken beyond repair—and its cracked remains now crumbled to ash and kicked up beneath her feet.

JJ let out a wheeze of breath, in that moment, as she felt the expanse of loss settle deeper within her bones, and she looked down; her head hanging low and her eyes unfocused on the patterned tiles of the floor as she gave it her one last, fighting effort in keeping herself from tipping—falling over the edge and losing herself to emotions too vast, too big, that she still couldn't even _begin _to make sense of—couldn't even come close to putting into words.

"No, not...not here; not now_," _she whispered to herself in quiet determination. And her hands balled up into tight, shaking fists as she tried to convince herself that she would try and...and deal with all of this at a later point in time. Bu-but not here; not now...Not with everything that was at stake.

Fingernails digging hard into the palms of her sweaty hands, JJ focused in on her stuttered breaths.

_Breathe, JJ._

_Just...breathe..., _the sharp bite from her injured hand increased her alertness, and it slowly began to draw her further and further away from the ledge.

Shutting her eyes, JJ concentrated on slowing her breaths with her count.

_One...two...three..._Her hands started to loosen from their tightened fists.

_Four...five...six..._Her forearms slowly re-positioned onto her legs.

_Seven...eight...nine..._Her hands moved and pressed against her knees—pushing upward.

_Ten._

_..._

Rising to her feet, JJ stood still before moving to wipe roughly at the remaining tears that glossed over her reddened eyes; th-there really wasn't time for her to fall apart right now.

...She would have to worry about that later.

* * *

_So, I envisioned that this chapter took place right before JJ ended up having her first conversation with Reid. I have one more behind the scenes chapter planned before I start on the closing case. _


	18. When You're Ready

_I wrote the majority of this chapter to "Once When I Was Little" by James Morrison-if you want to listen while you read._

* * *

(Ring) _**"…First, I'm going to take your sleep."**_

_Don't pick up; don't pick up; don't pick up._

(Ring) _**"…Then, your smile."**_

_Don't pick up; don't pick up; don't pick up._

(Ring)**_ "...__I won't let you feel safe anywhere.._**_**."** _

"G-" a soft gasp escaped past tight, thin lips as trembling hands fumbled at the wheel and abruptly pulled the vehicle off to the side of the road—shifting into park.

(Ring)

"G-" another soft gasp escaped as the last of her resolve finally, _finally_ dissipated—deflating from her being like a hole in a balloon; all of her inner strength and determination thought to have built up upon leaving her old office dispersing just as quickly as the very breaths that she was-

"Hello, this is Prentiss," a deep, sleep laden voice came over the line, causing the blonde's brain to momentarily glitch.

_Shit_, JJ swallowed, not knowing what t...what to do—what to say; her stomach dropped and her heart beating rapidly as she tried to contemplate the very reason why she had even called in the first place.

She swallowed again.

"I-I don...I don't even know why I'm calling you right now," a quiet, nervous laugh escaped past JJ's cracked lips, and her brow slightly furrowed. "..._God, Emily_," the blonde's brow furrowed deeper in the moment and she unconsciously shook her head, running her hand slowly through her hair. "I'm...'m sorry. I know that-that it's late—_early_—it's early where you're at right now, and-"

"JJ"

"I can jus...I can-"

"JJ"

"I can just...call you back at a-at a later time and-and-"

"JJ, JJ will you just..._stop_," Emily's gentle but firm request effectively resonated from across the phone and managed to bring the blonde to a screeching halt; quiet except for the faint, shaky breaths that could be heard.

...

Sensing that she had finally succeeded in getting her best friend's attention, Emily's released a long, quiet,_ centering_ breath herself before moving to sit up straighter in the bed.

"It...it's_ okay_," the brunette did her best to try and gently re-assure; a small smile tugging up at her lips. But the smile was over as quickly as it formed as her own brow started to furrow—and her lips pulled downward into a definitive, worried line as she made the conscious—_highly_ dangerous—decision of going ahead and diving head first into unchartered, emotional waters.

Quietly swallowing, Emily internally winced and braced herself for what would next transpire.

"Yes, it-it is early. And _yes_, you did wake me, but...but it's okay…...Honestly, I was expecting a call from you sooner or later, _anyways_." JJ's heart clenched tightly in reaction to the last spoken words, and her lips pulled downward into a hard, knowing frown.

Aware of the sudden change in her breathing; and sensing the all-too familiar feeling begin to creep up and settle deep within her throat, the blonde moved to turn her head—resting it gingerly against the leather headrest of her car.

With gray eyes looking out past the driver seat window up into the blackened, starless void above, JJ bit her lip and...and struggled in...in making purchase of her thoughts.

...

"I...I," JJ shook her head and swallowed, attempting to clear some of the rough gravel that was in her throat; her brow furrowing even deeper. "...I know that you know, Em,...a-about the file...the reason for it," her lips ghosted up into a melancholic smile before faltering back down.

Emily's own lips pushed up temporarily as she came to realize that she hadn't been completely frozen out. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, the brunette paused before continuing to cautiously wade out further in the water.

"I mean, when Reid called—asked for the favor—it...it really wasn't too difficult to put two and two together—to connect the dots."

...

"Yeah"

...

"Yeah"

...

...

...

...

"H-"

...

"E-"

...

"..._E-Emily_," the brunette swallowed down the growing lump in her own throat as she heard JJ's voice on the line crack and die out into a pained, desperate whisper.

...

"JJ"

...

...

...

"T-"

...

"T-"

With her stomach lurching and body feeling like it was caving in upon itself exponentially with each passing moment, JJ's head fell down heavily towards her chest. Releasing a shaky, audible breath, and fighting—fucking _fighting _as hard as she fucking could—sh...she could still do nothing in stopping the salty, sorrow filled tears from forming—and threatening to push over her lashes at any given moment.

She sucked in a staggered breath.

"..._T-tell me_," the blonde's chin began to quiver and her chest ached and tore as she felt the first tears roll down her cheek.

...

"Tell you what?" Emily whispered softly in reply; her hand gripping tightly onto her phone.

...

...

"H-"

...

"H-"

...

"...H-how? How d...h..._how do I get past this_?" The brunette frowned at the nearly inaudible plea.

...

"JJ"

...

...

...

...

Sniffling, the blonde moved the back of her free hand to wipe roughly at the wet tracks running down her face before lifting her head back up. Moving it back—back and forth against the headrest of her car—she struggled in...in still trying to put her thoughts into words.

...

"I-I" JJ's voice croaked, and she swallowed—still attempting to fight against the hardened lump in her throat. She licked her lips.

"I-I feel like...it...it's like...it's like 'm...'m..._underwater_. Somebody's...holding me under and-and 'm-'m kicking—punching; fucking _fighting_ to get up—t-to get to air—_to breathe_. Bu...bu I..._I can't_…..._Emily_," the blonde's lips quivered as tears continued to push past her lashes and dribbled down over her chin. "I can't...And...and 'm-'m tired of-of trying; pretending to be the person that people think that I should be by now, bu...but 'm...'m not," the blonde's heart seized at finally hearing of all her many, _many_ failures spoken aloud, and her voice cracked. "..._'m not_."

...

...

...'_m not._ With burning, brown eyes, Emily opened up her mouth to speak. "JJ-"

"Emily, I have blood on my hands," the blonde cut her off sharply—continuing in with her heavy, guilt laden admission. "Fucking _graves_ in my chest…...I...I might as well be a-a damn _ghost_; because 'm jus..._floating _an...and everything's dark and-and blurry—undefined. And I...can't see good or-or light; I can't smile or...or even laugh. And when I look in the mirror," JJ's s eyes closed in reaction to the unfinished thought and the brunette could hear a faint whimper as her friend struggled in pushing down the piercing cry that was building up and rising within her throat.

Swallowing—choking-choking it down—the blonde sniffled and opened up her blurry eyes once again. "_I_..._I don't know_," she murmured quietly, shaking her head.

...

...

_...I don't know. _The brunette's heart ached and groaned in empathy as the last phrase echoed over and over in her mind because...because _she did_. Emily_ DID_ know; she was all too familiar with the darkened, pain-filled path that the blonde was currently on—and she even had the physical and emotional scars to prove it.

Unconsciously licking her lips, Emily felt her heart beat faster and faster within her chest as she consciously chose right then and there t...to willingly return to her own darkened past in order to shed some—_some_—semblance of light for her friend in the present.

_For JJ_, Emily released a quiet, shaky stream of air and blinked her eyes.

...

...

"JJ, JJ I'm...I'm not going to say that...that it's okay right now...because it's not…...and it's the last thing you want to hear...But-but what I am going to say is-is this…..._it will be_," the whispered belief resonated loudly from over the phone; resulting in a growing symphony of melancholic sniffles and tears.

Swallowing thickly at the blonde's surprisingly unguarded response, the brunette paused before tenderly continuing on—trusting in her own memories in leading the way.

"And...and that weight that you feel—at your chest...on your shoulders—it'll eventually get a little bit lighter, and you'll be able to breathe easier. And...and you won't constantly find yourself looking over your shoulder—searching for a face that...that you know—_you know—_shouldn't even be there…...And...and you'll start to see the world again—in bigger pieces...and in color. And-and you'll be able to...smile easier and..._fucking_ laugh at things that really are funny," the brunette heard a shaky laugh on the other end of the line, causing her own lips to tug up momentarily.

"…...And you'll be able to look at your scars; recognize the person staring back at you as...as a stronger person for having gone through the things that you've gone through and...and coming out in the end…...You will, JJ; _God_…..._you will_."

...

...

...

...

"G-"

...

"G-"

"G-"

As the tears on the line grew louder and louder and louder, Emily simply remained still; quiet and with a heavy-_heavy_ heart as her friend finally allowed herself the moment to process all of the things that she had gone through—some of the things that she had lost along the way.

Hand holding tightly onto her phone and head leaning back against the headboard of her bed, the brunette found herself leaning a little more forward—her hand gripping onto her phone a little more tightly—the instant her ears picked up upon two stuttered words.

...

...

...

"H-"

"H-"

...

"..._H-how_?"

"W-"

"W-"

"_When_?"

The brunette's heart seized the moment she came face to face with two of the very same questions that she had once asked herself.

Eyes closing in response to the bittersweet reverie, Emily paused; and her lips slowly turned up into a sad, knowing smile.

...

...

...

...

"...When you're ready."

* * *

_So, I envisioned that this chapter took place right after JJ read the file on Askari and left her old office to go home; everything just finally caught up with her while out on the open road and she had more time to process. _

_What did you think?_


End file.
